Another Year and No Invite

Another year has passed and some things in my house are dramatically different while others are steadfastly the same. Our oldest, Aidan, is as tall as me. We recently dropped him off at boot camp for Sea Cadets at Fort Devens. William is in the grade that Aidan was when Willy was born. One thing which hasn’t changed in another year is that my wife, Christine, was, yet again, not invited to Taylor Swift’s epic Fourth of July party.

She and Aidan were fans stretching all the way back to 2008 with Love Story. Recently I asked each what they thought of Taytay, and this is what I got,

"I kind of don't care for her latest stuff," Aidan mused.

"Reputation sets a new low for self absorption," Christine noted.

Could it be? Did Taylor Swift lose two fans? Impossible. Admittedly, I hate when pop stars pour their soul into their music, and reveal their inner secrets. After Miley Cyrus twerked in Robin Thicke's crotch at the 2013 MTV Music Awards, the performance drew negative reactions for its alleged raunchiness, sexism, racism, slut-shaming, and cultural appropriation. In response Thicke's wife, Paula Patton, divorced Thicke, whose next album was dedicated to his estranged wife. It was entitled Paula and was filled with Thicke's feelings for his ex including the debuted song, Get Her Back, which contained the following lyrics,

All I wanna do
Is give you that thing, play you that song, you and your girlfriend sing
All I wanna do
Is get you back tonight

Apparently Paula didn't want "that thing" anymore because she didn't swoon over the tune and come running back to Thicke. The album got less traction than the floor in a Starbuck's restroom. Robin himself said about the album,

"In hindsight, the only thing I would have done differently was, I wouldn’t have promoted it or sold it. I would have given it away."

That might have led to a new low of embarrassment. The pop singer Demi Lovato is always singing about her private life including her struggles with mental illness. In her break up song, You Don’t Do It For Me Anymore, she sings

Now that I've learned all about you
A love just like ours wouldn't last I won't fall for your games
So don't hate me if I say
You don't do it for me anymore.

Most fans thought the lyrics were about ex Wilmer Valderamma, but Lovato confirmed that the song was about her "old self." Taylor Swift referred to her old self in Look What You Made Me Do, her Kanye West revenge song in which she recites,

I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now.
Why?
Oh, 'cause she's dead!

Dead? What a way to milk the drama teat. We all miss the ole Taylor who wrote upbeat work out songs like Shake It Off instead of

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams

The old Taylor was asked to collaborate on a song with Kanye West after he drunkenly snatched the microphone from her during her acceptance speech at the 2009 VMA while saying,

"Imma let you finish..." (we all know the rest)

In response to a possible collaboration, the old Taylor said something like,

"That's never gonna happen."

In 2015, Taylor agreed to play nice with Kanye and presented the Video Vanguard Award to the rapper, who announced he smoked pot to get through his acceptance speech, and that he plans to run for president in 2020, all while Taylor stood arm and arm with wife, Kim Kardashian. Shortly thereafter, Kanye wrote this lyric for Famous,

I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex
Why? I made that bitch famous (God damn)

Then Taylor's mother ratted out deejay David “Jackson” Mueller for supposedly grabbing her daughter's butt at a meet and greet when this picture was taken. Mueller's hand does appear to be on the singer's can, but actual contact is uncertain. In fact, the hand up Taylor's skirt might have been Mueller's girlfriend's who would seem to be in a better position than Mueller for a full on proctologic exam. Mueller was not a shock jock who bragged about the incident on air. Either way, he got summarily shit canned from the radio station, then sued Swift for $3 million. He lost, but not before Taylor's mother said,

"One of the things I think that stuck with me was that [Taylor] couldn't believe that after the incident, ...that she thanked him...It made me question why I taught her to be so polite in that moment."

I don't know how polite Taylor is, but I do know she said "ass" a record number of times in court. Her mother has got me worried because in 2013, I was photographed within a few inches of Taylor's ass. I was certain with the new found "MeToo" status, Taylor's mom would come for me as well. Here's the picture. I'm the guy on the boogie board in the water behind Taylor. I figure once her mother sees this picture, she's gonna call up Google and get me shit canned from my blogging gig.

It's sad for me to accept that my wife and son are no longer Swifties, but changes come even when you stand still. I wish she stuck to her guns and steered clear of Kanye and the whole Kardashian Klan. The unwritten rule in the entertainment industry is for artists never to criticize each other. When Miley Cyrus did her twerking in Robin's thick one, Cher broke the rule by saying the performance "just wasn't done well. She can't dance, her body looked like hell, the song wasn't great, one cheek was hanging out. And, chick, don't stick out your tongue if it's coated." All these things were true, but later the same day Cher rolled back her criticism indicating that she was "ashamed" of her comments.

Rappers apparently didn't get the memo since Nicky Manaj said of Cyrus's when she hosted the VMAs apparently in response to comments made by Cyrus in a newspaper article,

"And now back to this bitch who had a lot to say about me the other day in the press. Miley what's good."

Cyrus shot back,

"Hey, we're all in this industry. We all do interviews, and we all know how they manipulate shit. Nicky congradua-fucking-lations."

Then after taking credit for her fame, Kanye tried "to take down Taylor." All this infighting is ruining the end product. I'll tell you what Kanye West has really done. He made Taylor Swift write the worst songs of her life.

Come back, ole Taylor. Come back.

Once Again, Not Invited to Taytay's Party

Taylor Swift's RI Beachfront House

A few years ago, Taylor Swift purchased a stately home, built in the 1930's on a rocky bluff a short distance from the town beach that we frequent every summer. The house was once owned by someone associated with a ballet troupe. I remember when I was a kid seeing ballerinas practicing on the lawn. Not much changed with the house since it's most famous owner took it over. There's more security. The stone wall, holding back the sea, was shored up. The house survived the 1938 hurricane on top the rocky bluff. The hurricane wiped out most dwellings in the area. It significantly altered the lay of land to this day.

For years, we've watched fireworks from the beach adjacent to the old house on the hill. I'm not sure who foots the bill for the event on the fourth which is launched from a barge anchored in the ocean. The reflection off the surface of the sea is always a wonderful spectacle.

Taylor Swift's annual Fourth of July party is now a major event for the area. Important people from Hollywood, the music industry, as well as models descend onto the area. A lot of people who go by one name attend Taytay's party. One time, Lourde walked by us on the beach. Another time we waited in line for some ice cream with Austin, Taylor's brother.

We never talk to celebs when we run into them. Once in Times Square, I rounded a corner while carrying my then three year old son, Aidan, on my shoulders as we ran into Ryan Seacrest and a handler. In no time, we were surrounded by a horde of people. I felt like we were at a Who concert. It was very scary as we were swept in any direction the crowd moved. I recall Seacrest reaching out to save a small girl from being trampled. It was very frightening. After that, I swore off celebrity encounters. Too dangerous. Even so, every year, my invitation to the Swift USA Birthday Bash gets lost in the mail. Well, not mine, mind you. I'm nobody, but my wife, Christine, and my son, Aidan, are very early Swift fans. They go back to 2008 with Love Story. I know that doesn't make them fan zero, but it still is nearly a decade of dedication.

Each year, I tell Christine to practice her open mouth smile. Aidan knows how to do that two finger, one thumb, one handed sign language thing that, I think, means "love" which all the rappers do. You have to shake your hand back and forth in minute oscillations to get the right affect. William, our youngest, has become a Swiftie by osmosis. Admittedly, I didn't get onboard until 1989, the album not the year.

Every year, I assure my wife that we'll magically get an invite, but it never happens. Christine reminds me that we're local nobodies, not even in her fan club. I remind her that we're in her fan base, the people who actually pay for her music. She tells me that we're musically talentless, non actors, who are on a runway only when sitting in an airplane. We have no tattoos, no claim to fame.

I guess Christine is right. We operate in different circles. Taylor Swift and her crew fly in the stratosphere, and we're salt of the earth kind of people. The only person who is friends with Taytay which I would want to meet is Lena Dunham. She's a real genius writer. Dunham always seems like she's on the fringe of Taylor Swift's squad. I saw the picture of her standing with Taylor and all her supermodel friends and thought,

Larry Busacca / Getty Images

"One of these things is not like the others."

It's probably for the best. I don't think Ryan Reynolds and I would have anything to talk about other than my wife's sister-in-law's niece was in one of the Van Wilder films. I would also probably piss off Ed Sheeran since I find his new song, The Shape of You, irritating. He comes off a little on the surface for me in that tune. Middle aged woman gush when Ed Sheeran is mentioned. The dude gives hope to gingers all over the world. I read that tattoo artists love gingers because of their fair complexion, and Ed has really colored up his skin. Along with the orange hair and the colorful tats, he's a walking Crayola crayon box.

I think Selena Gomez is better off without The Bieber. She's cranking out some real good tunes like It Ain't Me and Bad Liar. Not that Bieber's a bad guy. I kind of like him. He just needs to decompress, and refrain from urinating on people's stuff. You have to remember, the dude grew up in a messed up household without a father. He'll work it out someday. My biggest regret is that my wife and I have a real penchant for old houses. But, once again, we weren't invited.

This is as close as we got.







Maybe next year.