Will Your Dog Defend You?

Recently, I watched a video which asked this very question. Security footage showed man's best friend cowering from burglars so Inside Edition decided to test dogs by faking a home invasion to see if Dinkles will come to the rescue. I watched with great interest as dog owners all claimed that their beloved fur baby will tear the throat out of an intruder.

There is no doubt that Americans love dogs. Many refer to them as "members of the family." In 2008, the White House webpage contained a petition requiring a "federal investigation of all dog bites in America" because "family members are being torn from their homes and euthanized by police." There were over 100,000 signatures on the document which downplayed the fact that the family members were dogs that bit humans.

A friend of mine was sure his two Dobermans would defend him ferociously if he was attacked.

"Bo and Wilson will shred your ass if you come anywhere near anyone in my family," my friend assured me.

After watching the video, I noted that like my friend, dog owners let their pooches lick their faces including their mouths even though dogs have no thumbs so they don't use toilet paper to wipe their butts after they pinch. Instead, they lick their junk. I would too, I guess, if I could, but having thumbs means I would certainly brush my teeth afterwards. The video showed that most dogs will flee to save themselves rather than defend their owners. My favorite was "Ruby," the four year old lab/pitbull mix referred to by his owner, Kevin, as a "princess." Not only did Ruby not attack the intruder, but she urinated all over the floor. After the criminal finishes his beat down of Kev's face, Kevin gets to clean up after Ruby's piddle.

The last was a mutt named Frodo and a Chihuahua called Doby. The narrator refers to the dogs as "fearless" as they display "the classic guard dog technique" of getting in between the attacker and their owner, but in reality, neither dog bit the intruder. In fact, they looked like they were trying to play with wagging tails and jumps onto the couch.

Another video showed two Burmese mountain dogs, Sam and Mojo, barking menacingly, but the dogs were no threat. They were more likely hungry or just wanted to take a shit in the yard. This video shows an owner faking a heart attack to see how his service pet would respond. It looks like Dinkles started servicing his dead owner's head. This dude puts on a really good show, feigning medical distress. His loyal husky seems like he couldn’t give a shit about his owner's respiratory emergency. At least he didn't try to skull hump him after he dies.

Based on the evidence it is highly unlikely that my friend’s Dobermans would defend family members attacked by an intruder. Wilson is the older dog who is going to pack it in soon. He naps a lot. I think Wilson is deaf. Bo, the dog on deck is a really dumb. It once ran into a parked car.

Dogs need to be trained to defend their owners which can be very costly. Dog owners need to face the fact that their pooch's lack of concern for their wellbeing is just a survival instinct, or possibly payback for hacking off their gonads. It's just like a dog owner to impart unrealistic favorable behavior on their pets which they surgically modify so they more readily fit in a human world. These are people who put dogs in crates and then try to convince you that "he likes it."

The natural world is all about individual success which is why giraffes casually drink from a water source as a nearby cackle of hyenas take out a baby impala. If I hadn't any thumbs and someone force castrated me, I wouldn't defend them from an attack either. In fact, I'm surprised dogs don't join in and bite their owner's balls off.

Nature is wondrously cruel.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on May 22, 2018.

Service Bicycle

A few years ago, I did something I thought I would never do. I'm not a rule breaker, mind you. If they require shirts and shoes, then I'm not freeing the nipple nor am I going forth with my dogs uncloaked. My friend, Bill, says,

"Rules are guidelines."

He believes that if they really want to keep you out of some place, they'll put a lock on the door. According to Bill, signs like "Employees Only" are merely suggestions. Back in the 90's, Bill waltzed barefoot right into a BlockBuster with me. When I saw the sign on the door indicating that shoes were required, I told Bill he should wait outside, but he was unfazed. He strolled up and down the aisles in his naked feet searching for a movie.

Back then when you wanted to watch a film, you had to get in your car and drive to the local video rental store. After discovering that the latest hot release, of which they had nine copies, were all out, you would wait by the return bin to see if someone dropped off one of them. I used to called this "hovering." That's what I was doing while Bill casually strolled the aisles perusing the jewel cases of the foreign films nobody ever rented.

I remember the first time I saw a customer with a dog in a store. It was in the local True Value. A woman was in the paint section with two dogs in tow. They were those little yapping Yorkshire lap dogs which circled her repeatedly. She appeared to be in a tangled mess as the leashes wrapped around her legs. One dog shot a pile of dookie on the floor. I know they were likely service dogs, but now someone needed to service the floor with a mop. Today, it's common for pet owners to go into a store with their dog or fly with them on a plane.

The last time I flew, I stepped in dog shit on the airplane and in the airport. That was it for me. While the pandemic grounded most of us, I had already vowed not to board an airplane again until the airlines sorted all this out. In 1986, Congress passed the Air Carrier Access Act which required airlines to carry any animal that "assists the customer with physical, emotional, psychiatric or medical support." The number of pets flying the dog friendly skies skyrocketed. Travelers wanting to avoid the charge for flying an animal started declaring their dogs as service pets, a designation that until recently required no formal training or certification. It's sort of like using someone's disabled permit to get a better parking spot.

In December of 2020, the Department of Transportation announced new guidelines in regards to emotional support animals which are no longer considered service pets. Some airlines restrict service pets to specific animals and breeds. Delta was sued recently by a passenger who was bitten in the face while seated on a flight. Apparently someone needed a vicious dog for emotional support in order to fly and the animal attacked a fellow traveller. In response to the litigation, Delta required "confirmation of animal training" and banned pit bulls as service pets.

With all these people bringing in their dogs into stores, I thought maybe I should try wheeling my bike into a store next time I needed something. Truth is I never dreamt of doing that because the thought of doing so made me exceedingly uncomfortable. I do sometimes need small items like batteries or a locknut though. If I stop on my bike, I will avoid starting an internal combustion engine and adding to the warming of the climate. I always relent even though there are no signs specifically telling me that a bike may not be brought into the store. It's just something I can't bring myself to do.

So recently I decided as I passed by the hardware store on my bike I was going in to get some big boy Burpee tomato seeds. As I approached the store, I started to have second thoughts. I just felt bad that I was breaking an unwritten rule not to bother other people in public by toting my personal cumbersome shit with me. I was troubled that others had to accommodate my eccentric behavior. As the automatic doors slid open, I hesitated then I pushed in bike and all.

As I passed the courtesy desk staffed by two employees who never seem to do anything, I was sure they both gave me the once over. I swear I heard whispering. One pointed in my direction as I dove for the aisle. I navigated past several customers, one shading me with a stink eye. I made my way to the gardening section when an employee approached,

"You need something for your bike?"

"I need seeds," I answered.

He watched me with his hands on his hips. I knew the employee wanted to say something, to object to me bringing my personal flotsam into the store. He never offered me any assistance. I found my seeds then headed for the cashier. In the line at the register an elderly woman, holding a curtain rod, stared sternly in my direction. I imagined her coming at me, rod aloft. Surely, this was all in my head. When she reached the cashier, she exclaimed,

"Next time, I'll just drive my car right through the front door!"

I felt terrible as my turn neared. The customer behind me stayed back a good ten feet, six of which was for the virus and the rest was for my body oder. The cashier rang me up without any of the normal friendly banter. I was relieved to get out of there with my bike and seeds.

The experience left me wondering why bringing my bike in the store made me feel so self-conscious. I didn't like breaking a rule nor annoying other people. When smoking in restaurants was commonplace, people never seemed to care if they bothered strangers. Sure, they were addicted to a drug which took over their sensibility otherwise they wouldn't continue to smoke seeing how it was killing them. I'm not sure how a pet alleviates anxiety from someone suffering from a mental disorder. Seems to me it would make things worse. An animal in public which others are not allowed to interact with calls attention to you, something most people especially those suffering from anxiety would never invite.

But what do I know? I'm just some guy on a bike who doesn't want to bother you.

Editor's Note: Originally posted om March 6, 2018.

Natural Selection

Thrice Wolves and Moon

My namesake uncle hates dogs. He also boycotts Wal-Mart for being on the top of the Fortune 500 heap all while historically providing limited benefits to their workforce. This has led to my favorite "blue moon" line frequently recited at family gatherings,

"I'll do that when Uncle Bob buys a dog at Wal-Mart."

Just when you'd think the country's love affair with canines couldn't get any stranger, I read an article in a local newspaper which suggested that on Mother's Day we should recognize dogs that gave birth. As a society, we're against cruelty to animals, but are we really? We swipe their children at birth, rip the testicles out of the males, perform hysterectomies on the females, then leave a pack animal alone in a crate while we go to work. All this by people who claim to be dog lovers?

Oprah took a picture with a woman and her two dogs in a stroller on Mother's Day. She uploaded it to Instagram with the comments,

"Jill and her fur children. #Happy Mothers day to Mothers of all varieties of children!"

Now, I'm not one to equate children and pets, and I especially don't like it when the childless do so. Pets are not children. First off, if the cost of treatment becomes excessive, no one ever suggests putting down a child. It's not normal to chain a child to a tree, leaving a metal bowl full of water while we go off to work all day. We also don't queue up another child when the eldest gets old. A lot of people employ this "dog on deck" strategy when their main pooch is ready to check out. You also don't get worms or giardia from your children. Some people believe that dogs suffer from ADHD, but I believe that dogs just don't have a long attention span because, well, they're dogs.

Dog's bark all day because as pack animals they don't want to be alone. I think it's cruel to crate a dog indoors or chain it to a tree. Just because your dog is happy to see you at the end of the day doesn't mean it's not affected by solitary confinement. I find barking dogs both sad and irritating. Nature has lent me a hand with noisy, unattended dogs. People who tie their dog to a tree then go to work for the day have found that this is not a safe practice when living close to nature. The problem is when you live up against a nature preserve, nature sometimes pays you a visit, and nature can be heartless. Some nature found its way into my neighbor's yard and ate Dinkles the Dog for dinner. My neighbors came home to a skeleton tied to a tree.

Once a neighbor introduced himself to us with a dog in tow, a friendly lab who in the middle of the introduction squatted to take a dump on my lawn. When he finished his business, he did that cat scratch thing to cover his tracks, but all he managed to do is mess up my grass. I thought as a human I should try this. You know, go over to someone's house to introduce my family,

"Hi, I'm Bob. This is my wife, Chris. Our boys, Aidan and William. I'm gonna shit on your lawn now."

Then bring out the Nutella fun factory. First impressions are so important.

After the dog finished pinching, he got bored and started to clean himself. Dogs have no shame. They groom their bits and pieces. They ride your leg. They indiscriminately crap. Anything goes for a dog. Nature is a big party in which the strongest gets to shit on the weakest and everyone just plays along, you know, kind of like middle school. In the wild, one animal is always taking advantage of another. They even play it safe by going after the young, the weak, the sick, the old. Nature always seeks an advantage, an opportunity to exploit the unwary.

Mahatma Gandhi said,

"The measure of a civilization is how it treats its weakest members."

In nature, the weakest members are treated as lunch, and that works for them, but it doesn't work for us so stop referring to a pet as your child.