Debatable Outcome

The first presidential debate of 2020 last week was best described as Bizarro World’s version of the Ice Capades. History does seem to be playing on a continuous loop. Trump reminded me of Dan Quayle during the vice presidential debates in 1992 when Quayle told Al Gore to inhale after repeatedly asserting,

“My turn!”

Biden was reminiscent of Admiral James Stockdale, Ross Perot’s bewildered running mate, who opened with,

“Who am I? Why am I here?”

Trump was prepped by none other than the former governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, who advised the President to pants Biden if he strays from the lectern. After the debate, Christie said Trump “was too hot” for his numerous interruptions even though Christie showed Trump how to properly execute a weapons grade wedgie. All the President had to do is let Biden drone on about his 110 page plan Bernie Sanders co-wrote since by the third sentence he would’ve been talking about cockroaches, the blonde hair on his legs and loading spaghetti sauce with forklifts. Trump interrupted him so frequently he never gave Biden a chance to drift to that special place where the former Vice President cavorts with his childhood Pooh Bear.

Biden answered very few questions. Instead, he mostly looked into the camera and told the American people to vote. Admittedly, Biden did assert that he was the leader of his party more forcibly than Trump denounced the Proud Boys, a male-only organization that derives its name from the tune, Proud of You Boy, featured in the animated Disney musical, Aladdin. Like the President, I never heard of the Proud Boys before, and I doubt a group named after a song from a Disney cartoon are much of a real threat.

Trump erroneously thought the debate would be like one of his midwestern rallies attended by people taking a break from shooting hogs from a helicopter with an AR-15 to convene on the tarmac of the local airport and listen to the President credit his administration with saving Jesus from crucifixion. There was no screaming crowds waving signs of support like,

Combine Harvester Mechanics

for Trump

The President was expecting everyone in the audience to yell and scream in support even though moderator, Chris Wallace, told the audience at the onset to treat the debate like an Amish funeral. Instead of his mostly reserved family in the audience, Trump should’ve handpicked a few of his rally attendees, preferably those who spend Friday nights swinging from a rope tied to the bucket of an excavator as they soar over lukewarm, pea-green pond water.

Trump interjected more times than a Fox opinion anchor plugging their latest book. The President even interrupted Chris Wallace's verbose questions. Wallace seemed like he aspired to the presidency himself instead of settling on the salutatorian of the Sean Hannity Conservatory. Wallace even rolled out the tired old Charlottesville “both sides” quote and made Trump yet again explain himself. Biden thought they were talking about the Joni Mitchell tune and broke into song,

Rows and flows of orange hair

And ice cream castles in Pelosi’s lair

And pony soldiers everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

Not to be outdone Trump dove in,

But now they only block the gun

They complain and snow everyone

So many things I would have done

But Schiff got in my way

Trump took the next verse too,

I've looked real loud from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's Russian collusion I recall

I really don't know Putin at all

Biden cleared his throat then crooned,

Moons and Junes and CornPop fears

The racist things I sometimes sneer

As every sniff of shoulder length hair

I've looked at girls that way

Wallace jumped in for the next verse confirming the rumor that he secretly shits in Sean Hannity’s bathroom and doesn’t flush,

But now it's just another show

I leave 'em gagging when I go

And if you dump, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

Trump grabbed the next verses,

Impeached by clowns from both sides now

From Schumer to Romney, and still somehow

It’s Teflon Don I recall

I really won’t ever go at all

Germs and firms and feeling proud

To say "I love me" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and casino crowds

I've looked at life that way

Biden pointed to himself and belted,

But now old friends say I’m acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but Harris gained

It’s warming more every day

I've looked for life from both sides now

From shut up and clown, and still somehow

It’s all illusion I can’t recall

I really don't know where I am at all

All three brought it home with,

We’ve looked at polls from both sides now

From win and lose, and still somehow

It’s disinformation we recall

We really don't know truth at all

So who won the first presidential debate? Many news outlets were quick to declare Biden the victor mainly because the bar was set so low. Biden's entire campaign was concerned that he was going to excuse himself for the bathroom only to return with his shirttail poking out his fly and toilet paper streaming from his shoe. Biden refused to answer Wallace's question concerning his party's push to get rid of the filibuster and pack the Supreme Court. He responded that whatever position he takes "that'll become the issue." I think it's already an issue since some in his party want to pack the senate by granting statehood to Puerto Rico and Washington DC and pack the country by granting citizenship to millions of undocumented pole vaulters.

Gone was any of the wit Trump unloaded on Hillary in the 2016 debates. Neither candidate delivered a single, notable quip. The most memorable moments in past debates were always those that made us laugh like in 1984 when Ronald Regan responded to concerns that at the age of 73, he was too old to run for president,

"I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit for political purposes my opponents youth and inexperience."

Or in 1988 when Lloyde Bentsen responded to Dan Quayle's claim that he had as much experience as JFK,

"I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.”

Since neither candidate entertained us with memorable zingers, I have to declare Chris Wallace the winner. Wallace maintained marginal control wedged between two enormous egos and Biden’s also. His questions were often pointed and nearly as long as either candidate’s answers. Also, his hair looked good.

I’m hoping next time we’ll have less squabbling and more clapback. Maybe then people might get enthusiastic enough to vote for someone other than a third party candidate who is on the ballot in only one state. When a live presidential debate is less interesting than reruns of reality TV, you know it's time to reimagine the process of selecting the leader of the free world.