Mailbag

With all that’s going on in the country today it’s hard to sort the facts from the truth. Sure the virus released by Europe is easy to understand because its’s all about hard, irrefutable science like Cardi B’s explanation of pH balance. Other things are very nuanced like the whole Russian collusion shit storm which happened last election. Best I can tell it all had something to do with Russian prostitutes dropping lemonade in Michelle Obama’s bed. At least that's what was in the Steele dossier, the opposition research compiled by the former head of the Russian Desk for British Intelligence.

Christopher Steele wasn't exactly high up enough on the Russian desk to have access to any real intrigue. In fact, it sounds like to me he just answered the phones. He supposedly compiled the information from "a Russian subsource" close to Putin, but it turned out he got most of it from a guy named Igor Danchenko. A Russian economic analyst who works in the US, Danchenko's network of sources turned out to be four drinking buddies who after too much cheap vodka and too little imagination ginned up the opposition research Steele was seeking.

The largely unverified dossier, paid for by Hillary's campaign and the Democratic National Committee, was leaked to the press by an associate of the late Senator John McCain who delivered the document to the FBI himself. James Comey, the head of the bureau at the time, briefed Trump on his first day in the White House. Comey is the tall guy. He was certain Trump was going to lose the election so he directed the FBI to investigate the Trump campaign. When the only thing they found linking Trump to Russia had to do with salad dressing, an FBI lawyer, Kevin Clinesmith, altered an email from the CIA that was used as supporting evidence for a warrant to wiretap Carter Page, Trump's foreign advisor and sometimes golf caddy.

The warrant was issued by the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, (FISA), the secretive court used by law enforcement to spy on citizens by associating them with a foreign person suspected of doing anything from ripping a tag off a mattress to terrorism. A warrant from FISA allows investigators to ignore complex legal issues outlined in the Constitution like probable cause and actually having any evidence.

Then there is this FBI guy, Peter Strzok. After leading the investigation called “Crossfire Hurricane," Strzok volunteered to testify before Congress about text messages he exchanged with his colleague, Lisa Page, (no relation to Carter other than being screwed by Strzok). Peter and Lisa were playing Mr. Wobbly Hides his Helmet even though they weren't married. Actually, they were married, just not to each other. During the investigation, the two exchanged texts that included an overt distain for Trump. Strzok insists his deep belief that Trump is a fat, orange, billionaire, antichrist in no way biased the manner in which he conducted the investigation. He no longer works for the FBI. After spending months in his pajamas watching reruns of Dragnet on a black and white tube TV in his studio apartment while eating Captain Crunch from a bowl without milk, Strzok pulled himself together and wrote a book about what a great honor it was to be an FBI agent and how Trump is working for Putin. It comes out just before the election.

Comey, the tall guy, was shit canned by the President who said he bungled the investigation of the private email server Hillary had in her living room in Chappaqua. Comey had arranged for a friend to leak to the press some memos he wrote which chronicled the discussions he had with the President in the Oval Office. He's an author as well since he wrote a book called "A Higher Loyalty." I didn't read it so I don't know what the higher loyalty Comey aspires to, but I'm sure glad we have unelected career federal public servants who go above and beyond the call of duty to mobilize a federal agency to investigate someone running for president.

Trump was eventually impeached by Congress for a phone conversation he had with the President of Ukraine for allegedly withholding money appropriated by Congress unless they investigated why Hunter Biden was on the board of an Ukrainian energy conglomerate even though Biden has trouble finding Ukraine on a map of the Ukraine. He's the son of Joe Biden who was nominated by the Democratic Party to pick Kamala Harris for president. Like I said, it’s hard to keep it all straight.

The latest scandal that is receiving media attention is that President Trump is having mailboxes removed to sabotage the election. He knows that mostly Democrats use the postal system so if he has them removed, voters will get confused and check the wrong box on the mail-in ballot and inadvertently vote for him. The Postmaster General, (they’re gonna have to change his title to something less offensive), said that the pictures of trucks loaded down with blue mailboxes were just replacing worn out boxes. If that is true then why are they taking all the mailboxes in front of Applebee’s? Because those are the ones used by Democrats that’s why!

I saw that mailbox removal is trending on social media, most of the users of which never actually mailed a letter. When the story broke, @politico_guy152 tweeted,

“So that’s what those blue R2D2 things r for."

If we don’t make a stand against mailbox removal, then how will we be able to enter the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes? First they take away our ability to mail a letter, then next they’ll take the pay phones. I was planning on voting by mail-in ballot because every time I cast a vote in person a senior citizen shakes me down for my identification then lines out my name from a list. They know who I’m voting for because I have one of those signs on my front lawn that reads,

Sully Sullenberger or Tom Hanks for President.

Either One. I Don’t Care.

All they have to do to suppress my vote is pencil a line through my name, and just like that I’m disenfranchised. Also, I was planning on voting by mail and in person just to make sure my vote gets counted.

I don’t mind that the government sent me to my room and made me wear a mask to protect you from me when I venture outside for food. I’m okay with restricting the size of magazines too. I always thought some were way too big anyway, especially Life. I also don’t care that certain speech is being banned in favor of ideological conformity. People talk too much anyway. I couldn't care less about bronze statues either. No one in the country knows how to make them anymore anyway.

But when they take our mailboxes, now that’s going too far.