Early Dismissal Form for the Thoroughly Appalled

When William started kindergarten, I needed to arrange pick up from school on Mondays in lieu of the cheese wagon to accommodate his swim lesson. The proper nomenclature was "Student Pick Up," and it wasn't the easiest thing to invoke. It required a form to be filled out which I requested from the office. They dutifully added the paperwork to William's folder of "Things To Go Home." I hate filling out forms. Some time ago, I wrote a piece about my distain for filling out medical forms. Little did I know I was about to embark upon a form fiasco to get my son out of kindergarten early.

Willy and his Swim Instructor

I thought I filled out the "Student Pickup Form" correctly, but I got it sent back with William's bus number circled in red with a large "X" next to it. Admittedly I didn't look at the form all that closely because well, I'm an idiot. I know all this paperwork is supposed to ensure that my kid is handed off safely, but in truth there is very little actual safeguards. Like the Chapman lock I used to have in my Honda Prelude back in college, the only person kept out was me. I don't have a safe feeling that a properly filled out "Student Pickup Form" will prevent a stranger from snatching my kid from the chaotic exchange in the gym, just like when my car along with the Chapman lock was stolen in broad daylight.

When I filled out the form, I had to delineate what I wanted William to do each day of the week which was mostly "Get on Bus 22, and ride it home." On Mondays he was to go to the gym and wait for me to pick him up for his swim lesson. I inadvertently filled out his bus number on Mondays as well as checked "Pick up." Apparently that was not what you were supposed to do. So I crossed out the "22" and returned the form to William's folder.

The next day I got the form back. The reason for early dismissal was circled and annotated with another red "X." I entered "Swim Lesson" then sent it back. When Monday rolled around, and I went to pick up William, he wasn't in the gym. I asked the woman in charge where he was. She looked into it then told me that William was not on the list. I went to the office and asked why my son wasn't at pickup.

"You didn't fill out the form correctly," exclaimed a smartly dressed, grey haired woman named "Ruth" who I'm sure was once a Catholic nun.

"What do I need to do?" I asked.

Ruth got up from her desk and made her way to the counter. The expression on her face made it clear she was unhappy. She plunked down the "Student Pickup Form," then she just glared at me. I thought she was waiting for me to put my hand on the counter so she could rap my knuckles with a metal ruler. After an unusually long time, she said,

"You didn't sign it."

On the bottom of the form was a line labeled "Name" so I printed my name. If they wanted me to sign, they should have labeled the field "Signature." I thought of telling Ruth that I didn't know how to write in cursive, but I figured she would take one look at my salt and pepper hair and know I wasn't being truthful. Besides William's swim lesson was fast approaching, and I needed to move this along. I scribbled my name on the line as illegibly as I could. Ruth snatched the form then told me to wait for William in the gym. A teacher's aide escorted Willy to me, and we dashed off to the local YMCA.

The following Monday he was in the gym ready to go. The system was working smoothly until William's swim instructor needed to push up his lesson by a half an hour. Now I had to go back to the office and find out what I had to do to get William out fifteen minutes early to make his new swim lesson. Ruth told me,

"We don't like students missing school for outside activities. You'll have to get approval from the principal."

Now it's important to note that William was in kindergarten. He was learning to count and read which are very important skills to master. He also did a lot of coloring which William is moderately good at. As much as I want him to stay within the lines, I think it's far more important for him to learn how not to drown.

I sent an email as directed stating that William needed to get out fifteen minutes before Student Pick Up to make his swim lesson. The principal never responded so after a few days, I went back into the office and tried again. Ruth told me that I would have to fill out a special form each week called the "Early Dismissal Form," and I had to get him a half hour early because fifteen minutes was not allowed. I'm sure it was not possible like certain quantum energy states. I was just glad that she didn't make me say three "Our Fathers" and one "Hail Mary." She gave me the new form. I inadvertently added William's bus number on Monday again. When she saw this, she circled it and said,

"Wrong again!"

Now Ruth could have crossed off the bus number herself, but she insisted I make all the changes, however small. So I crossed off the "22" then noticed that I forgot to fill out the line for "Reason." I wrote,

"Need help on the farm."

She took the form and off I went. Before I left I grabbed a stack of Early Dismissal Forms because I needed to fill one out every week now. The next week, I put for "Reason,"

"His turn in the mine."

The following week,

"Need Willy to change the bobbins."

Then,

"Sweep the chimney. He's small enough to fit."

And that was the one that did it. I got an email back from a school official which expressed their dissatisfaction with my "appalling attitude towards school correspondence." Luckily William's swim instructor asked if she could move back William's lesson to the original time. I hoped the earlier Student Pick Up Form was still on file and would be applicable.


 Owl Moon

Recently I went in to William's school to read the book, Owl Moon by Jane Yolen, to his class. I read the book to his older brother's kindergarten class eight years earlier. That story is much about fatherhood as it is about appreciating wildlife. I wish I could tell you my father and I trekked in deep snow at night just to spot an owl, but that wasn't the case. He wasn't the adventurous type and never seemed to have time for that kind of thing. William escorted me to the office to return my visitor's badge. Before I left I said to William,

"I'll see you at pick up."

"Oh no you won't!" Ruth exclaimed.

"Why not? It's Monday."

She slapped down my original Student Pick Up Form.

"You have to fill out a new form, and it's too late for today. It had to be in by ten o'clock."

Instead of arguing that the new form would have the same info as what was already on the original form, I said, "That's fine."

"I guess he'll just have to miss his swim lesson," Ruth reasoned.

"I guess so."

Luckily a young woman popped out of an office and came to the counter. She spun the form around.

"I'll take care of this for you Mr. Languedoc," she said with a pleasant smile. I thanked her as Ruth frowned.

Most parents lose sleep over safety concerns for their children. A child is far more likely to drown than to be abducted. I went to kindergarten at a local YMCA. My mother had a fear of water so each week she ensured that I forgot my swimsuit. The trepidation she instilled in me gave way to embarrassment as a teenager. At pool parties, I was always concerned that someone would toss me in the water. At the beach, I was keenly aware of the tidal condition after one time being swept out and rescued by a fellow swimmer.

William is back in his swim lesson, and he's a phenomenal swimmer. The other day he got up in the middle of the night to tell me that he heard an owl. He had his little flashlight in his hand.

"You want to go outside and see if we can find the owl?" I asked.

He looked out the dark window then to his diminutive light.

"No, I'm scared."

"Hop up," I said as he climbed into bed, buried himself under the covers then fell fast asleep.

Maybe next year.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on May 17, 2017.