Things Not to Ask of Jesus

A few years ago my son, Aidan, was taking religious education classes. One day he returned from catechism telling me that his instructor, a young woman in her twenties, accidently dropped her phone in the toilet. She retrieved it quickly, but it was completely submerged in the loo so it was unlikely that it would still function properly. Aidan told me that she said a prayer to Jesus, and the phone worked just fine afterwards.

One time I was watching a television documentary about kids getting ready for college. Several Christians were all about to take the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT). They formed a circle and asked Jesus to help them with the exam "especially the math."

I had a colleague once who was quite religious. He told me that he said a prayer before a blind date "to ensure things went well." He also prayed before job interviews for the similar reasons.

This got me thinking about what it must be like for Jesus to hear prayers. I don't think He really cares all that much about your cell phone which you carelessly dropped into the toilet no matter how sincerely you pray. I wouldn't bother Him about a test either. Best to just study up. And praying for a date to go well is just plain wrong. What did that sound like,

"Jesus, please make sure that my blind date has a nice rack."

Or praying for an advantage on a job interview,

"Jesus, please give the other candidates the Nutella squirts."

Gold Rush

I saw something like this unfold while watching the History Channel's smash reality hit, Gold Rush. That's the show whereby a bunch of gruff moderately skilled dude bros spend their summers up in the Yukon washing dirt and rocks to capture a cup of gold. Jack Hoffman, the patriarch of 316 Mining, prays for success at finding gold all the time. He exclaims,

"Heavenly Father, we ask that you richly bless us with gold."

I don't think this is a good idea. He doesn't ask that no one falls into the grizzly bars or gets sucked into the tromel. He doesn't ask Jesus to look after their families in their absence. He asks for money. He might as well ask Jesus for a winning lottery ticket. You have to remember that these guys are all religious folks so they know the story. No matter what you believe in, historically speaking, Jesus had a pretty rough time when he was down here. I wouldn't be asking Him for coin especially when there are other people who are in real need of help queuing up as well.

Carrie Underwood has a song on her debut album, Some Hearts. It's a ballad that tells the story of a young distracted mom who's speeding to her mother's house on Christmas Eve when she hits a patch of black ice and loses control of her vehicle. Her small child is strapped in the back seat. As the car spins out of control the woman throws her hands in the air and cries,


Carrie Underwood

"Jesus, take the wheel!"

While I know this is a reference to letting the Almighty take control of your life in this particular situation it would have been best if she kept her hands on the steering wheel and turned into the skid, that is, spin the wheel in the same direction in which the back of the car is moving. She made it out okay but not from her superior driving skills. It just doesn't seem right to ask the Savior to drive your car for you.

Religious folk ask Jesus for everything all the time as if He's got nothing better to do but answer their lame ass prayers. I grew up Catholic so my religious education was liberally seasoned with a good amount of guilt, and it appears to have worked. I rarely ask Jesus for anything. In fact, I often thank Him for things that went well in my life as in,

"Dear Jesus, I don't need anything right now. I just wanted to say thank you for that awesome wave I just rode all the way into the shore."

Or sometimes I thank him for not getting run over while I ride my bike on my daily loop. You should try it once in a while. You know, thank the Man for another day on earth. After all He's dealing with millions of knuckleheads asking Him to be their copilot. Who knows? You just might make Him smile, and how cool would that be?

Editor's Note: Originally posted on March 30, 2017.