Election Hero

Since today is Election Day, I'm reposting an article I wrote about the 2016 Presidential Election. The DNC funded smear dossier, compiled by the Queen’s former counter intelligence specialist Christopher Steele, which described how Trump, a germaphobe, watched two Russian prostitutes urinate on the bed the Obama's used on their official visit to Russia, hadn't yet surfaced. Hunter Biden had already been booted out of the Naval Reserve for testing positive for more drugs than Cheech and Chong combined, leaving him plenty of time to work on the board of a Ukrainian energy conglomerate. A Yale alumnus as well as the privileged son of a vice president, Hunter prepared for his recent no holds barred exclusive ABC News interview with Amy Robach by looking up where Ukraine is on the map and taking a sponge bath. Trump would eventually get ensnared in impeachment proceedings for asking the newly elected Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, if he could compile his own dossier on Joe Biden that included some tidbits like how much the Vice President tipped in restaurants and for lap dances. So let's go back to that simpler time.

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Trump and Hillary

The way this election is turning out this season, Kanye West in 2020 is looking pretty good. Our choices are the first women candidate who is a scheming, opportunistic career politician or a reality TV celebrity, billionaire businessman who's on his third wife. There are other party candidates which have as much chance of success as a Hall and Oats come back tour. Our system to elect a president has been so over analyzed and is wrought with so much scrutiny that the only people who would want to do something like that for so little scratch must be narcissistic nutjobs.

The late, John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth, the fifth human in space, winner of the Congressional Space Medal of Honor and Presidential Medal of Freedom, Marine colonel, four term Senator from Ohio, never ran for president because he was widely regarded as a poor public speaker and his eyes were too small. The oldest man to travel in space can't lead the country? Colin Powell, a four star general, Vietnam veteran, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under Presidents Bush and Clinton, Secretary of State, awardee of two Presidential Medals of Freedom, didn't run for President because the process would have put too much scrutiny on his wife who suffers from mental illness. When we set up a system that excludes highly qualified individuals based on irrelevant information, we get the junk candidates which we have today. By the way, Colin Powell was so popular he would have defeated Clinton in 1996 even with a first name that is a homophone for large intestines.

Hillary Clinton is a smart lawyer who gets in trouble when she talks unscripted. She said she was named after Sir Edmund Hillary even though he was an obscure climber who hadn't yet summited Mount Everest at the time of her birth. She claimed she had to run from sniper fire in Bosnia even though the video clearly shows her calmly greeting people as she walks with her daughter, Chelsea. Former NBC Nightly News Anchor, Brian Williams, took a beating for lesser misstatements. She claimed that the reason she had a private email server was so she could have one device for personal and private emails when in reality it was to maintain control over the content.

Recently, she said that she discussed it with Colin Powell who gave her the idea. Powell denied the conversation took place. I guess Hillary figured as long as George Bush could blame the weapons of mass destruction debacle on Powell, she might as well toss her little email screw up his way too. She suggested that Trump was unfit to run the economy when past elected officials have put the country $21 trillion in the hole. Her husband's "I Met a Girl Speech" at the DNC left out most of Bill's more Hollywood moments. It's hard to believe she might serve in the same office where that dress got stained. Bill followed with a tweet musing the first time Hillary heard him speak, he was saying how beautiful Arkansas melons were. She thought he was talking about fruit while Bill was speaking more in a mammary sense.

Donald Trump is a smart businessman who talks unscripted all the time, but gets into trouble when he speaks unfiltered. He took umbrage with the line of questioning from Fox reporter, Megyn Kelley, during the republican debates implying she was menstruating. He claimed a Mexican judge would be unfair in regards to his legal troubles. He responded to Marco Rubio when Rubio obliquely suggested Trump had a diminutive tool with a comeback more suited to a middle schooler than the Leader of the Free World. His simplified solution to undocumented immigration is to deport everyone who is here illegally to the other side of a big wall which he's somehow going to get Mexico to pay for. He mimicked a physically challenged reporter and criticized Carly Fiorina's face. I was waiting for him to say,

"She was good in Shrek."

Tapping into Dick Cheney's hunting experience, Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of the street and not lose any votes. That's true only if he capped Wayne LaPierre, the head of the National Rife Association, who in a stroke of irony would fully support the shooting. His wife lifted a speech from Michelle Obama. If you're going plagiarize a speech by a First Lady, best pick one less popular (and less alive) like Nancy "Just Say No" Regan. Trump makes all sorts of bizarre faces and hand gestures which the news media often focuses on making him look more incontinent than competent. Trump proves that no amount of money or products can do anything for fundamentally bad hair. I doubt he'll ever learn that while it might be a great business trait to go for the jugular, it's not a good idea to do so on camera, at least in this country.

I have an idea. Let's forget about the election process all together and draft someone for president. We'll make it illegal to refuse. The first person we'll select will be Chesley Burnett Sullenberger III, the pilot who ditched a plane in the Hudson River, saving all 155 people onboard. He's a no nonsense national hero, Air Force veteran, author of books on leadership, an outstanding public speaker, and retired pilot. He's clearly good at thinking on his feet, unscripted with a judicious filter. His eyes aren't too small, and he's got a cool name not associated with digestion.

Sully

Sully is so truthful that while being interviewed by Katie Couric, she asked him if he took a moment to pray. Hillary would have said,

"I thought of Psalm 23:2, the one about green pastures and quiet waters. I recited it out aloud as I was delivering my life saving orders. I also sent an email on my private server to the Pope asking him to pray for us too."

Trump would have answered,

"Hey Katie, I'm flying a fucking plane here that I'm about to crash land in the Hudson two blocks from Trump Tower. I'm pretty much on my own. My copilot is low energy. Of course, I prayed. Are you menstruating or something?"

Sully answered, "I would imagine somebody in back was taking care of that for me while I was flying the airplane. My focus at that point was so intensely on the landing, I thought of nothing else."

Please Captain Sullenberger, save us all this time.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on August 30,2016.