Scientists Identify the Builders of Stonehenge

It’s true. Scientists recently determined through DNA analysis who the builders of Stonehenge were. If you're like me you thought it was the druids, the ancient Celtic pagans who were exempt from military service in Rome and from paying taxes, and possessed the right to excommunicate people from festivals, turning them into social outcasts. Druids were probably also lousy tippers and gave the least to charity. Apparently, druids culturally appropriated Stonehenge as their religious site and in no way had the ability to actually make something as complex and, quite frankly, as heavy.

New research published in the journal Nature, Ecology & Evolution has revealed that the ancient masons were migrants who arrived in Briton in 4000 BC. Apparently, the Neolithic people travelled from modern-day Turkey and were basically farmers who liked to build things out of stone. Eschewing the nomadic hunter-gather lifestyle, popular in Briton at the time, for a more bucolic existence meant the new inhabitants could stay in one place and build huge monuments aligned to celestial events. Farming gave these people a shitload of food allowing them to engage in leisure time activities like dragging a forty ton stone for twenty miles. You might ask the question,

How did researchers link DNA to Stonehenge?

Genetic analysis can tell you a lot of things beyond mere ancestral relationships. DNA can tell us the likelihood of contracting certain diseases as well as when and where a people migrated, even which of your siblings is more of a specific nationality than you. It can tell us why your ancestors went on the move as well as what bonded them together for thousands of years, but how can it tell us who actually built such a massive structure like Stonehenge? 

My Latest Insulation Job

I've been a home improvement guy for what seems like forever. I've plumbed piping, snaked electrical wire, shingled roofs, poured concrete, built stone walls, painted ceilings, hung I-beams, refinished floors, installed windows and doors, ran ductwork, trenched services etc. I've renovated kitchens and bathrooms. Most recently, I wired up a geothermal heater for my swimming pool. Working on 220 volt circuits always has me on my toes which is the best way to keep them on your feet.

Smashing my Finger,
circa 2014

Last week when I was insulating my pool pipes, I cut my finger pretty deeply. So deep that I dropped the knife and headed right for the house, figuring that if I didn't make it, people would think that I owed OJ Simpson money or something. I probably should've got stitches, but I didn't really have time to sit in a waiting room for two hours only to pony up a $30 copay so a nurse person in oddly mismatching clothing would glue my finger shut. Another time I pummeled my finger while on the roof. That really hurt. I almost blacked out due to the pain. Passing out on the roof usually involves a hospital stay. Not wanting to negotiate a ladder just yet, I taped my finger with a strip of Grace Tri-Flex XT Synthetic Roofing Underlayment. That stuff sticks to everything.

In 2006, I was setting some granite steps when I dropped a 400 pound stone on the pinky finger of my left hand. My guts shot out like a Play-Doh fun factory. I went to the emergency room for that one. In the triage area, they took a woman who needed a stitch in her head removed before me. I had fish bait hanging out my finger while her wound had already healed, but they made me wait anyway. Eventually, they stuffed all my innards back into my finger and sewed me back up.

So how do researchers know who built Stonehenge? They must have found DNA crushed in between the rocks. If they're lucky, they might discover an ancient finger flattened in a joint. Back then an injury might have led to an imbalance of the humors. After paying a chicken, three potatoes and a bag of grain as a copay, they would apply a mixture of fat and clay to your wound. On your way home, you'd swing by the local alchemist to pick up a healing crystal, a few leeches and a bit of mercury. To ward off evil spirits, you'd put the crystal on your forehead, drink the mercury, then have a go with the home bloodletting kit. If none of that made you feel any better, you'd call on your barber in the morning.

Some researchers believe that ancient people thought Stonehenge had healing powers due to the many nearby graves containing skeletons with broken bones. It took thousands of years to build Stonehenge. Those peeps in the ground near the monument were likely workplace mishaps. I'm no scientist, but it seems to me that Stonehenge probably caused more injuries than it healed.