When Children Are Heard

Aidan and William

Everyone talks a lot in our house. My wife, Christine, and I have two boys, Aidan, 13 and William, 5. For some time now, we've written down just about every amusing thing they've said. Here are just a few of their thoughts expressed over the years.

When Aidan was very young, we were rolling coins saved in a large jar when he asked, "Why are we doing this, Dad?” “We can use this money to eat when we are on vacation," I answered. Aidan exclaimed incredulously, “Daddy, you can't eat this money!"

William sneezed rather loudly right next to Christine who announced, "That's my face, you know." William chimed, "No, it's not. It's my nose."

When Aidan was five, he was eating a lollipop that was sour. I asked him, “Aidan, do you like your lollipop?” To which he answered, “I like my lollipop, but my lollipop doesn't like me."

William and I were on our way up from the basement when I asked, "You want me to carry you?" To which William answered, "No, I'll carry myself."

I was making sweeping motions with my hands while coloring with Aidan when I said, "I'm an artist. Look at me." To which Aidan said, "You're not an artist, Daddy. You're my dad, and I'm a boy." "Is Mommy a boy?" I asked. To which Aidan answered, "No, he's a girl.”

While in Florida, we were swimming on a cool day. William's teeth were chattering. I asked, "William, are you cold?" To which he answered, "No, but my teeth are falling out."


 

Aidan was not feeling well. He was up late, using the bathroom. I rounded the corner as he exited the loo saying, "You okay, Aidan?" He jumped out of his socks. After Christine helped him into bed, she asked, "How are you feeling?" To which Aidan said, "Stuffed up and a little bit startled."

William asked Christine, "Why aren't you at work today?" "Because it's Sunday," Christine answered. "So girls don't have to work on Sunday?" William asked.

Aidan and I were brushing our teeth in the bathroom. Aidan looked over at my back side and said, "Daddy, your big butt is staring at me."

We were on vacation in a waterpark in Orlando. When it came time to return home, William expressed his dissatisfaction by saying, "I don't want to leave. I want to stay in this world."



Aidan and William

Aidan and William were watching cartoons when Aidan got up and left. Christine said, "Let's watch something else. I hate this crap." To which William declared, "I like this crap."

Christine was making cupcakes when William climbed up onto a stool. He slipped and bumped his chin on the counter. After he stopped crying, Christine asked, "Are you okay now?" To which William answered, "I think I need a cupcake to feel me better."

I said to Aidan, "You always say 'no' to everything." "No, I don't," Aidan declared.

William once asked, "Are there colors in the world that no one has ever seen?"

Aidan was not feeling good so he told Christine, "Mom, my stomach hurts." Trying to ascertain the nature of his belly ache, Christine asked, "What does it feel like?" To which Aidan answered, "Horrible."

I gave William his shoes and jacket while saying, "Put these two things on." To which he exclaimed, "You mean these three things."

Aidan and I were playing a word search game. We were looking for the word, "hummus." I told him to look for two "m's" next to each other. He pointed to two "w's" then said, "Here they are, but they're upside down."

William on his Bike

When they were older, we left Aidan briefly in charge of William as we went off to pick up groceries. Aidan called saying that William was sad and missed us. Christine asked Aidan to put William on the phone. William exclaimed, "If I had just gone with you, we wouldn't be in this mess!"

William said, "Me find it." To which I said, "You mean 'I find it.'" William asked, "Why are you gonna find it, Daddy?"

Aidan and I were riding the small shuttle that ferries visitors at Christine’s work. I put my arm around him, and he objected. I said that I need to hold him back just in case we get into a car accident. Aidan asked, "How can we get into a car accident when we're on a bus?"

On a Friday, I told Aidan that we were going to New York city the following Sunday, and we were going to lunch with Mommy today so he had to try to go to the potty before we leave. He said, "I want to go when we're in New York City. They have a bathroom there."

William and I visited Christine at work. Not knowing the unusual circumstances of having a stay at home dad, upon entering her work area, he asked, "Why are there boys here? I thought only girls worked."

Aidan was singing MC Hammer's one hit wonder, Can't Touch This. I told him, "Aidan, that's not a nice song. Sing something else." He responded, "What if I sing can touch this?"

Observing the March sun melting snow, William asked, "Is the snow allergic to the sun?"

When we entered a lift to go up Tower Bridge in England, Aidan was standing next to us as people moved into the elevator. They really packed everyone in. As the doors closed, I looked down at Aidan who was completely surrounded by people squeezed around him. He looked up and said, "This isn't good."

I was checking the location of Aidan's big toe to ascertain if he needed new shoes when I asked him, "Where is your toe?" He pulled off his shoe and sock and said while pointing to each toe in succession, "Right here. And next to it is this toe and this toe and this toe..."

A colleague was helping Aidan with a pair of scissors at work when he instructed, "Don't slip or Aidan will be cut into two pieces." To which Aidan retorted, "Yeah, one big piece and one little piece."

Recently, Aidan said, "Time will tell." To which William retorted, "Time can't talk."

Aidan was raised on Christine's freshly baked bread. One day, after returning from a friend's house, he said, "Mom, I had the coolest thing at their house. They had bread that's already sliced, and it was in a plastic bag."

William asked, "Dad, will you blow up this balloon for me?" "I tried, but I wasn't able to tie it," I responded. To which William said, "I guess Dad doesn't have a growth mindset."

William asked Christine, "Did you miss me Mommy?" "I did," Christine answered. To which William asked, "Where was I?"

On Halloween, William saw a kid dressed as an owl. I mimicked the bird by saying, "Who cooks for you?" William followed with, "My Mommy does."

William exclaimed, "Today, I had brown ham on a bun at camp!"
"Brown ham?" I inquired.
"Yes, brown ham."
"You mean a hamburger?" I asked.
"Yeah, that's what they called it," he answered.

We were all in a diner. William looked through the menu then said, "This isn't good. There's no kid's menu, and I can't read."

William took a dump in the toilet. After he cleaned himself up, he turned, looked down then solemnly declared, "The heart of a guinea pig."

William was trying to get me to repeat what he was saying so he said, "Pete after me Dad."

Around Ground Hogs Day, William announced, "Some hogs live in the ground, you know."

William ate an apple down to the seeds, then explained, "I'm done with this apple. I got down to the cookie." William was eating an orange with seeds when he exclaimed, " Mommy, these oranges have nuts." When William was two, he would abbreviate his request for lemonade by saying, "Juice lemon, please."

William was sliding down the stairs on his rear when he asked, "Why don't worms go down the stairs like this?" "I don't know," I responded. "Because worms don't have butts," he answered.

I was reading a book to William when he announced, "I have to go the bathroom," then asked, "Can you pause that?"

William and I finished a race in Mario Kart when he declared, "I winned!" I told him, "You could've said, 'won'." To which he announced, "I wonned!"

William wanted me to take his picture so he said, "Get a phone and picture me."

When William was very young, he babbled at length for some time then said in perfect English, "In other words, Aidan's gone."

Whoever said, "Children should be seen and not heard" never bothered to listen.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on December 13, 2016.