Catfish: Beauty is in the Profile of the Beholden

Back in 2018, I started binge watching the MTV smash reality hit, Catfish. In its eight season, the show chronicles the investigation of online relationships by the two hosts, Nev and Max, who are asked to find out if a person met on the internet is real. The term, catfish, describes a person pretending to be someone else on social media. There are some overt red flags when someone is catfishing you. The biggest is when they're reluctant to appear on live video, or do so with the lights dimmed. You see, many people fake social media profiles often using a picture of a very attractive person in lieu of a real selfie.

It's no wonder that some people want to pretend to be beautiful. Studies show that attractive people are more likely to be helped, forgiven, get better jobs, make more money, and are more likely to be ascribed positive traits. People fake being a model online because they want to experience, just once, the attention that beautiful people get all the time.

The first recorded account of catfishing was when Anne of Cleves was painted by Hans Holbein. Anne was the fourth wife of Henry the VIII who had their marriage annulled on grounds that Anne was homely. The truth was Henry was catfished since Holbein painted Anne favorably, even though Henry instructed the artist to be as accurate as possible. Henry met Anne privately on New Year's Day in 1540 at Rochester Abbey after which he described her as,

"Nothing so fair as she hath been reported."

In 1993 my wife, Christine, and I were in London on a bus tour guided by an older, British woman. After explaining Holbein's painting of Anne of Cleves, the guide exclaimed,

Anne of Cleves

"When Henry met Anne in person, he thought she looked like a tram smash."

Henry married Anne to preserve a vital alliance with Germany. After exchanging vows, Henry said about his new wife,

"I liked her before not well, but now I like her much worse."

As the fourth wife, Anne received a good settlement which was lucky for her since at the time, the second wife left her marriage with Henry sans her head.

Today, the hapless people catfished are often all in based on their text messages revealed on the show.

"I'm always here for you."
"You are the most important person in my life."
"I can say things to you I can't tell anyone else."

When you're in an online relationship with a smoking hot babe who listens intently, is funny and fun to talk to, you should be honest with yourself. An attractive woman doesn't need to pursue an online relationship with you unless she lives on Pitcairn Island. There is just too much opportunity for beautiful people in the real world to bother with virtual dating. When she avoids streaming because she is very shy, you naturally feel great sympathy for her because she's good-looking. You'll forgive her if it turns out she's been lying to you all along if, and only if, she looks like her profile picture.

Max and Nev do a lot of hugging each episode. They truly want both sides to heal and find happiness. The motto of the show is,

"All will be revealed."

Of course, Max and Nev are more sympathetic to the victim who is duped by the catfish, but they never state this one obvious fact,

The victim is mad because the person is really ugly.

One guy learned the woman he was pouring out his soul to for the past six months, "Trinity," was not a Victoria Secrets model after all, but instead an overweight bus driver named "Tammy." After this revelation, he responded to her inquiry if they could still regularly text by saying,

"That's not gonna happen."

Why? Because she's ugly, that's why.

One guy, Isaak, used a profile picture of a tall, chiseled-jawed, cleft chin hunk even though he was a short, dweeby, pimply-faced kid. He described himself as searching for a deep relationship with a woman. His dragnet swept up "Courtney" who was enthralled with Isaak until she found out what he really looked like. He was a great guy who was fond of giving foot massages when his attractive mug was on social media, but the minute Isaak appeared in living color, he was a scary creep with a bizarre foot fetish.

What I want to see on Catfish is a victim discover that a person is actually more attractive than their profile picture. That hasn't happened yet. Will Max and Nev focus on their deception? Or will the victim just look to the camera and say,

"Fuck yeah!"

They'll likely see them as an honest, respectable, thoughtful, human being even though they misrepresented their internet persona. Like Holbein's painting of Anne of Cleves, outrage only occurs if the person is uglier than their representation, and that's the true depth of the people featured on the show.

While beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, ugly is universal.

Editor's Note: Originally published on December 4, 2018.