And Even Older

Old Guy

Okay, I wrote three pieces about becoming an ornery old person. Here is one more focusing on some of the changes that occur as one ages which, come to think of it, pisses me off.

1. Forever Cold

Now that I'm old, I'm always cold. It seems like I just can't warm up until the summer. I'm looking forward to Global Warming. Sure that will make water scarce, raise the sea level and bring fire ants up north, but at least I wont need a blanket when I sit in a chair in November.

2. The winter is going to kill me.

Incessant cold brings on an unrelenting fear. Each year, I used to look forward to the holiday season. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday even though we are celebrating the annihilation of native peoples. Today, I wonder if I will make it past the season without succumbing. I can't escape the feeling that the winter is actively trying to kill me.

3. AARP enrollment forms.

Some time after fifty, you'll start getting American Association of Retired People, (AARP), snail mail. It will be full of literature, important to seniors, which mostly amounts to lobbying the government to pay for more things. There are articles chronicling horror stories of elderly people having to make "a decision between medication or food." They'll also offer discounts on restaurants like Applebee's. With nearly 40 million people in membership, it's no wonder Social Security is going bankrupt. Their magazine offers financial advice as well as articles on the latest breakthroughs in gout. I haven't joined just yet even though I get weekly reminders in my mailbox. I think the primary function of the US Postal Service is to disseminate AARP signup forms.

4. Odd foods.

I find as I age, I like strange foods. I haven't got to a point were I have a bowl of hard candy by my favorite chair just yet, but the other day I bought whole milk. Yesterday, I had a craving for black licorice. I also feel like I should start cooking with lard. Now that the holidays are upon us, I would like to try mint jelly and lamb and maybe a wedge of cheddar with my apple pie.

5. The pills

When you get older, you must be careful what you say to your doctor. You see, today they have a pill for everything. If you pee too often at night, if your blood pressure is anything above 120/80 or if you sweat too much, they got a pill for you. They probably have a pill if your shit stinks. Doctor's love to prescribe pills because HMOs pay them to "manage" your many prescriptions. I wish they would help me manage all the meds I take. I have at least three different colors of pills I pop for various conditions afflicting me. One of them helps with memory, but I forgot which it is. If there is an apocalypse and the supply chain is disrupted, prescription pill poppers like me will be bunned big time.

6. Knowing Depends are out there.

Commercials for adult diapers always unnerve me. It's bad enough I have to shake extra long when I pee to ensure I don't leave a "water" stain in my pants, but knowing that the inevitable conclusion is that I will eventually unwittingly piss myself is horrible. I'm not ready to go back to diapers.

7. Hair.

When I shave, I take extra time to ensure I don't miss a spot. Old dudes always have stray facial or excessively long nose hairs. I take time to trim my eyebrows which for five decades required no maintenance at all. Now they grow like weeds. I'm reluctant to tell my doctor because he'll prescribe a pill that will slow down eyebrow growth in "four out of five patients." Eventually, I'll have to trim the hair growing from my ears. It's very sad.

8. Nostril stalactites.

Nothing says old fart louder than a loogie dangling from the nose. I'm constantly using my phone to check my nostril status. My wife, Christine, thinks I'm taking selfies, but I wouldn't dream of doing that. I took one selfie my whole life. The last thing I want to chronicle is my salt and pepper hair morphing into more salt than pepper.

9. Accepting that someday my gun will no longer fire.

It's gonna happen. Someday, the last bit of testosterone will drain from my metabolism and the driving force motivating me for decades will come to an end, after which I'll take up Sudokus. When my last nutshot comes, I won't take it in stride. Sure, it might be nice not to be constantly under pressure to further the human race, but I kind of like it right now. I read an AARP article which claimed sex in your sixties was way better than in your twenties. The author wrote that familiarity with your long time partner and not fearing pregnancy makes senior sex more fun. I'm not looking forward to having to take a pill to get a boner not to mention gravity eventually winning out in its relentless war with my ass.

10. Early to bed.

I already go to sleep at nine in the evening and often get up by five in the morning. Most seniors can't sleep in. I don't mind rising early because I can always pawn that off as a morning person thing. I simply cannot go to bed any earlier than I already do. It's especially hard in the summer when it's still light outside by the time I get drowsy. At least the summer isn't trying to kill me.

Oh yeah, one other thing. They tell you the results the minute you wake up from a colonoscopy. You don't even get a chance to wipe your butt before they start informing you as to what they snipped out of you anus. Although I hate waiting for test results, I would prefer a little down time after an invasive procedure.

It's a challenge not to be an ass pain as you age, but in the end you have to accept whatever life tosses your way. Getting old sucks, but it's better than the alternative.