Now That I’m Even Older

The other day, I pressed my face affectionately up against my wife's hair, then before I had a chance to think it through, I exclaimed,

"Your hair smells like pizza."

“No, that’s your beard,” she answered.

She was right. My beard stunk of food. Twenty minutes later, it was gone. I had no choice. My beard was not just making me look and smell old, it was making me old. Last month, I wrote a piece about the things that angered me now that I'm turning into an ornery old fart. Barely a month has passed, and I already have an addendum. So here are more things that piss me off now that I’m getting even older.

1. Repurposing things into lamps.

The other day on a home renovation show they repurposed a meat grinder into a lamp. It looked really stupid. The mechanism still worked which made it impossible to baby proof that home. I hate that.

2. Self help books that advise on how to win friends and influence people.

If you need to read a book to help you acquire friends, then, just maybe, you should put the book down and try going outside or taking up bowling or line dancing. It's equally likely that a book is not going to transform you into an influential person. The most important thing you should be doing if you bought a book like this is trying to spend some time in the sun, not reading that book. I despise that.

3. New Jersey

Apart from the bagels, there's little else redeeming about the Garden State, named like Greenland to make you think it's nicer there than it really is. People from New Jersey revel in being assholes. I read online reviews of waterparks in New Jersey, and more than one commenter reported that kids and adults routinely "cut the line." It's as if waiting your turn is a foreign concept in New Jersey, where dogs eating dogs has replaced common courtesy.

During the summer of 2017, former Governor Chris Christie closed state beaches for a weekend over a budget standoff only to climb up onto the dunes himself with his family. When questioned about his patronage of a closed state beach, Christie advised residents on how they too could use the beach as he had by declaring,

"Run for governor, and you can have a residence there."

You'll never convince me that Christie didn't order the closing of lanes on the upper level of the George Washington Bridge in retaliation against the Fort Lee Mayor, Mark Sokolich, a Democrat who didn't support Christie in the 2013 New Jersey gubernatorial election. Christie's deputy chief of staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, took the rap for it, but I'd bet that it was Christie's idea because that's just the asshole kind of thing a donut eating jerk off from New Jersey would do. I loathe that.

Labels

4. Labels on new clothing.

The other day I was removing the labels from the new clothes my wife purchased for our son. I counted five labels to be discarded per article of clothing including size, care instruction, manufacturer, fabric characteristics and pocket uses. When I was done, those plastic tie things were all over the counter and floor. I kept finding them for days. Do we really need all this information? Can't we just get by with size? I abhor that.

5. Products touting “soothing botanicals.”

The other day I heard this phrase uttered on the radio concerning a hand cream then a television commercial said the same about a shampoo. Still yet, a tea I recently made came in a box that advertised the calming effects associated with "botanicals," which simply means plants. Plants are not soothing, but botanicals are. When I think of my reaction to plants, the first thing that comes to mind is poison ivy, a botanical put on this earth to make me miserable. I detest that.

6. Comedians referring to standup as “working out.”

I heard a comedian say the other day,

"I'm working out at the Comedy Club."

He wasn't pumping iron. He was pumping out jokes on stage. This is not working out. It's talking. I dislike that.

7. Using the word "ecumenical."

Most of my religious educational came from parochial school and watching a lot of Davey and Goliath so I consider myself an expert. "Ecumenical" means bringing all of Christianity under one roof. When arguing a point about religion, as in

"Why does God let babies die?"

If someone says,

"You have to understand things from an ecumenical perspective."

They win by virtue of the fact that they used a five syllable word even if they didn't actually make a point. Most people openly agree with them as they excuse themselves for the bathroom where they look up the definition on their phone, only to return from the shitter an expert. That pisses me off.

8. People who refill a small drink.

I was in Panera Bread the other day when I was waiting in line to fill my cup with raspberry ice tea. A guy in front of me was refilling a small cup. Now, you're not supposed to refill a small drink when they also sell a large size because why would anyone pay for a large when they can keep refilling a small? The only advantage I see to a large drink is that it will cut down on the trips to the fountain, but I don't think that's what they intended.

I know a lot of self service machines end up with unintentional free refills, but what irritated me most about this guy, topping off his diminutive cup, was that he stopped in between fills to drink. He would fill his cup then drink half right in line while I waited. He did this three times which was three times more than he should have done it in the first place. I was waiting for firsts and this dude was rocking thirds. I wanted to slap the tiny cup out of his mouth. I object to that.

9. Declaring something is a “thing.”

Something is a "thing" when it's special enough to be its own concept like,

"Goat yoga is a thing.”

In fact, saying something is a "thing" is in itself a "thing." That makes me recoil.

10. Recordings that claim their menu has changed.

No, their menu hasn't changed. They just say that to fool you into paying attention to all the options, but I have news for them. It doesn't work. Even if the menu has changed, I wouldn't remember the old menu anyway. They lie to us because they think our attention spans are too short which they are. I hate that.

Some things are just never going to happen like a Google search on “James Woods nude.” Other things are inevitable like Kim and Kanye calling it quits. There are a few things that are unpredictable like Hillary losing. Some things just don’t make any sense like Martha Stewart doing more time than Snoop Dog. Then there are the things that are unavoidable like death, taxes and Trump’s tweets. Sad!

One thing for sure, getting old stinks, but it’s better than the alternative.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on April 17, 2018. Kim and Kanye divorce in September of 2020.