1. Describing a woman as “handsome.”
Calling a woman "handsome" is not an attempt at gender neutrality. "Handsome" in this context is supposed to mean refined beauty. Writers use the term to intellectualize themselves, not to say anything about a woman's looks. I hate that.
2. Referring to a piece of clothing as “fun.”
I was in a clothing store the other day with my wife, Christine. A young woman held up some summer shorts as she said,
"These are fun."
People who say this are trying to pull off a good vibe, but truth is they just sound nuts. What could be fun about a piece of clothing? I despise that.
2. Referring to a piece of clothing as “fun.”
I was in a clothing store the other day with my wife, Christine. A young woman held up some summer shorts as she said,
"These are fun."
People who say this are trying to pull off a good vibe, but truth is they just sound nuts. What could be fun about a piece of clothing? I despise that.
3. Using “pleasure” as a verb.
I would expect Christian Grey to say to Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Stupid something like,
"Let me pleasure you."
Then I would expect Anastasia's breast to heave which I assume would mean both of them. I loathe that.
5. Referring to the hospital without an article.
The Brits do this all the time. They say,
“I took him to hospital.”
People do this to establish their britishness. I worked with a guy who was from Wales. I once asked him,
I detest that.
Kris Kardashian chose all her daughters names to start with a "K" because her name begins with that letter. Kourtney, Kim, Khloe. Her only son took her first husband's name in full, "Robert." Presumably any subsequent boys would have been named Ronnie, Rupert, Reginald, etc. I'm sure this was Kris's idea because she carried it into her second marriage to Bruce Jenner with their kids, Kendall and Kylie. When Bruce transitioned, he shoved it up Kris's caboose by choosing the name "Caitlin" with a "C" and not a "K."
I hate that.
Getting old really stinks, but not as much as an actual old person. I'm certainly not looking forward to spending the rest of my life repeating the same story to the same people on the same day. Sometimes I forget my kid's names or call my sister by my wife's name. I work out now not to get buff but to ensure that I can open a jar of pickles. Aging is nature's way of making room for the next generation who now will get their turn to fuck up the earth.
Getting old sucks, but it's better than the alternative.
"Let me pleasure you."
Then I would expect Anastasia's breast to heave which I assume would mean both of them. I loathe that.
4. Cooks who want to be called "Chef."
My wife watches a lot of cooking competitions on television. Everyone is very serious. Judges call you out for not putting enough salt on a dish. Okay, so they can make a compote and an arugula salad, but do we have to call them "Chef?" Not many people use their occupation as a rank. We don’t say,
My wife watches a lot of cooking competitions on television. Everyone is very serious. Judges call you out for not putting enough salt on a dish. Okay, so they can make a compote and an arugula salad, but do we have to call them "Chef?" Not many people use their occupation as a rank. We don’t say,
“Yes Dentist. I floss daily.”
or,
"No Anesthesiologist. I'm not allergic to eggs."
I abhor that.
5. Referring to the hospital without an article.
The Brits do this all the time. They say,
“I took him to hospital.”
People do this to establish their britishness. I worked with a guy who was from Wales. I once asked him,
“What does Prince Charles’s wife do on Thursday nights?”
“I don’t know. Volunteer at hospital?” he answered.
”Camilla Parker Bowles,” I said through my clenched teeth as I noted his lack of an article.
I detest that.
6. Referring to a car by its maker.
A friend of mine has a BMW. He's very proud of owning the vehicle even though it's a stripped down bottom of the line model. He always refers to his car as "The BMW" as in,
"Honey, why don't you just take The BMW?"
I should be happy for him, after all he just paid $232 to change the oil in The BMW. People never do this with a Dodge Dart. They don't say,
"Sweetie, why don't you take The Pea Green Dodge Dart with the slant six."
I dislike that.
"Honey, why don't you just take The BMW?"
I should be happy for him, after all he just paid $232 to change the oil in The BMW. People never do this with a Dodge Dart. They don't say,
"Sweetie, why don't you take The Pea Green Dodge Dart with the slant six."
I dislike that.
7. Songs that mimic dust on the record.
Some artists add hiss and pop to a recording to make it sound retro. Before CDs, we actually lived with record skips and scratches in our music. Adele released Rolling in the Deep on vinyl. Most audiophiles believe vinyl produces the best quality sound. That may be true if you have an expensive turntable. Back in the day we taped quarters to the stylus to plow the needle through skips. That pisses me off.
8. Lawyers referring to money in the plural.
I saw a commercial a while ago for a law firm that provided this sound legal advice,
"Have you been involved in a slip and fall? If so, then you may be entitled to monies."
Since it's plural you probably qualify for more than just one money. Depending on the severity of your injuries, you are likely entitled to several different kinds of money. Attorneys referring to money in the plural are just trying to sound more authoritative. I object to that.
"Have you been involved in a slip and fall? If so, then you may be entitled to monies."
Since it's plural you probably qualify for more than just one money. Depending on the severity of your injuries, you are likely entitled to several different kinds of money. Attorneys referring to money in the plural are just trying to sound more authoritative. I object to that.
9. Cunning pet names.
Names for pets have always been endearing. Adorable pet names make me barf. Bo, Baxter, Buddy, Bailey, Whally. These are all names that are too substandard for a human. How come no one ever names their dog "John?" It's always some delightful, darling name like "Dinkles." I also hate it when people use "cunning" for "cute." That makes me recoil.
10. Alliterative children's names.
Kris Kardashian chose all her daughters names to start with a "K" because her name begins with that letter. Kourtney, Kim, Khloe. Her only son took her first husband's name in full, "Robert." Presumably any subsequent boys would have been named Ronnie, Rupert, Reginald, etc. I'm sure this was Kris's idea because she carried it into her second marriage to Bruce Jenner with their kids, Kendall and Kylie. When Bruce transitioned, he shoved it up Kris's caboose by choosing the name "Caitlin" with a "C" and not a "K."
I hate that.
Getting old really stinks, but not as much as an actual old person. I'm certainly not looking forward to spending the rest of my life repeating the same story to the same people on the same day. Sometimes I forget my kid's names or call my sister by my wife's name. I work out now not to get buff but to ensure that I can open a jar of pickles. Aging is nature's way of making room for the next generation who now will get their turn to fuck up the earth.
Getting old sucks, but it's better than the alternative.
Editor's Note: Originally posted on March 27, 2018.
Very Funny and so true!!! Thanks Rob
ReplyDeleteMy uncle replied “wait till you’re 88.” I just hope I get that far.
DeleteKen here: our dogs are named “Jacky” and “Kirby” after Jack Kirby which I thought was really cool even though I secretly hate them.
DeleteJack Kirby the comic book artist or Jack Kirby the podiatrist from Munson, Ohio? Kirby was born Jacob Kurtzberg which wouldn’t have completely worked for your dogs. He codeveloped the Black Panther among other comic book heroes.
Delete