Why There Are No Aliens

UFO

Recently the bipartisan Senate Select Committee on Intelligence announced that the Pentagon will be required to release a public report concerning unidentified flying objects (UFOs). The committee is comprised of a rotating membership which includes notable senators such as vice presidential hopeful, Kamala Harris, and one time presidential candidate, Marco Rubio, who chairs the committee. The senatorial braintrust on intelligence is expected to impose rules outlining the manner in which the Department of Defense (DOD) shares with the American people what it knows about UFOs. I, for one, can't wait to find out what our government has been hiding from us for decades about unidentified aerial phenomenon.

The advent of the smart phone some twenty years ago afforded all of us countless lifestyle changes. Email and the internet at our fingertips offering us unfettered round the clock online communication and purchasing, portable music catalogs, a camera capable of taking pictures of ourselves, not to mention there is no longer a need to carry a pocket full of dimes to feed a hepatitis infested payphone. The best thing by far is that millions of cameras have captured unparalleled footage unseen decades ago. Just search for anything on YouTube, and you'll get plenty of videos.

There's recordings of plane crashes, meteorites streaking across the sky, bull riders getting their teeth knocked out, trains careening off the rails, passengers getting worked over on United flights, chimpanzees tossing shit at people. Everything we used to read about is now captured by someone with a smart phone. It's a great time to be alive.

Female Big Foot

There's even a video of a Sasquatch's side boob. Yeah, I know someone faked the clip back in 1967, but there it is on the internet. The fact is you can find video evidence documenting just about everything that happens. I searched on "dancing man wearing horse mask cooks wild mushrooms" and got this. The only topic that never results in clear footage is a search on UFOs.

It's not that there isn't any videos of unidentified flying things. There's plenty of clips capturing strange objects hovering in the sky. There just isn't any of a flying saucer coming in for a landing, followed by two dude bro aliens in silver spacesuits taking soil samples. Most UFO footage is blurry lights at night or shaky images in the day.

I have a friend who is really into the whole UFO thing. He goes to conventions in which the keynote speaker claims to have been abducted by aliens. He's certain that extraterrestrial life exists, that they visited us thousands of years ago when they built the pyramids. He can't tell me why alien cow tipping often involves evisceration, but no matter. He's been to Roswell many times while investigating the spacecraft mishap which occurred in 1947.

I read that some guy who was on the original task force investigating the incident at Roswell swiped a piece of metal from the smoldering wreckage. He claimed it was light as aluminum but strong as steel and contained hieroglyphics. Unfortunately, the guy lost it. He was quoted as saying that he couldn't remember where he put it. The dude misplaced his chunk of alien spacecraft? I lost the string for my weed wacker. Occasionally I misplace my keys. I'm getting old and forgetful, but if I had a piece of an alien spacecraft, I would prominently display it in the dining room next to my wife's Gorhams silver tea set. It would be a conversation piece. Everyone who came to dinner would marvel at my piece of alien flying saucer wreckage. I would polish it regularly. It would be proudly displayed on a mahogany stand with a small brass plaque that read,

Part of an Alien Spacecraft

1947

If he really did lose a piece of an alien spacecraft, it would've certainly turned up on eBay by now. Until there is a video on YouTube recording a flying saucer landing in Central Park, and two aliens jumping out looking for directions while a third relieves himself behind a tree, I'm holding out that we're alone in the universe. It's a good thing too if we are on our own because based on just about every sci-fi movie I've ever seen with the exception of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, aliens who visit Earth generally do so to mess us up and take all our stuff. Still many people believe consummately that aliens are out there, and they regard our planet as the premiere destination bovine dissection hotspot. If aliens do exist, what are they waiting for?

God knows we could use some help down here.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on June 13, 2017.