What I Learned From Selfies

I don't like my picture to be taken because I have what is called a "dad's body" which really means "fat gut." My doctor told me to accept it. It's the result of gravity, and no amount of sit ups is going to overcome the same force that keeps the moon orbiting the earth. Still yet, I could suck in my dad's body every time I take a selfie, but I just don't think that fast anymore. Life can be cruel.

I've taken one selfie. Here it is:

Apart from holding my phone up side down and shaking it like a bottle of salad dressing, it's not that bad. My best friend's daughter, a clear expert in selfies, said,

"Wow! Your glasses are thick."

Yeah, thick like my waist. I found it hard to hold the phone until my youngest, William, showed me the "mirror button" which reverses the camera, making it easier to snap a picture of yourself. The first thing I learned from selfies is that the best are taken by people who are already good looking. Nobody wants to look at a picture of Mick Jagger, and he's a rich and famous rock star.

Another thing about selfies is that women take more than men. Research shows that when women look at pictures of women, they compare the people in the picture to themselves. When men look at pictures of women they wonder aloud what their breasts might look like. Nature wired us that way to ensure the propagation of the species even if it is done through shallow assholes. Today men are also more likely to use a selfie stick. My generation used to politely ask someone to take a picture for us. Now, with the invention of the selfie stick, you don't have to be polite. You just shove a stick with an attached camera in someone's face when you want a picture of yourself.

Younger woman take the most selfies. Once on a plane a teenager seated next to me positioned a MacBook on her tray then proceeded to shoot a thousand pictures of herself. I wasn't sure why she needed so many photos of her face. She shot more pictures during that one flight than was taken of me since birth. As she reviewed her work, she noticed that part of my shoulder occasionally appeared in the edge of the frame. She deleted all the pictures with bits of me in them.

Food

Women often take pictures of food. When someone posts a picture of chow to social media, I always think it will be captioned with,

"I'm eating this, and you're not."

Men don't photograph a meal in front of them. In a restaurant when our food comes, we immediately begin feasting as if at any moment we'll have to defend this food against a cackle of hungry hyenas.

Women also take the girl group picture when out partying. Guys never scrunch together to maximize the number bff's in the shot. When men see these group pictures of women, they count the heads then multiple by two to determine the number of in shot boobs, then they mentally note who has the best rack. Its nature way of ensuring that babies will be adequately fed, guaranteeing that the human race will flourish.



Waiting for the Band
to Play Single Ladies

I don't understand the infatuation with nude selfies. Most people avoid an on camera wardrobe malfunction at all costs. Yet, they upload nude pictures to their social media site. What I've learned from nude selfies is that many people need to pick up after themselves more regularly. A bit of advice. If you're inclined to take a nude picture of yourself in the bathroom, clean the toothpaste splatter off the mirror first.

My generation always believed that one should never put anything in email they didn't want to share with the rest of the world. Today, people feel that it's poor netiquette to copy a photo from a publically accessible social media site. Doing so is clearly a copyright violation, something anyone using photos in a blog is readily aware of, but if you upload a picture, someone is likely to download it.

I read a blog post written by a woman who was irate with her grandmother for downloading a picture of her from her Facebook page. Her grandmother printed and framed the picture for display. She reasoned,

"If I wanted her to have that picture, I would've given it to her myself."

I don't get it. Grandmother's normally want pictures of their grandkids. The author carried on extensively calling this a "blatant violation of privacy." Some of the commenters were sympathetic to her plight while others disagreed.

So that's what I know about selfies. I have one which is plenty for me. I'm not going to take another. Oh, there's one other thing selfies taught me.

This world. It's full of narcissists.

Editor's Note: Originally published on March 21, 2017.