My First Spam

Back in the mid 90's, I was in graduate school taking classes at night. We were encouraged to sign up to a "listserv," a new means of communication back then. Listservs were a great way to get the word out. It was also an effective means of effortlessly sending mindless emails to a large group of people. That's what happened shortly after I subscribed to my first listserv. I got my first ever spam.

Jim was a student from Europe. I don't know what country in Europe Jim was from, but he was most definitely European. He wore clothes that were likely once his uncle's. He also smoked heavily. He sported a fedora long before Justin Timberlake. There were three students named, "Jim," in our class. He became known as "euro-Jim." The most notable thing euro-Jim did to identify his European lineage was express his dissatisfaction with our country by saying,

"Americans always discriminate against Europeans."

Euro-Jim didn't mince words. He routinely accused Americans of victimizing the people of an entire continent. Most Americans can't find Europe on a map so it's unlikely they would collectively do anything discriminatory against a whole continent. Euro-Jim always went on about how much better his country of origin was as compared to the United States. He said once,

"The education I got in my country would have gotten me a PhD here."

I've heard this many times from foreigners. We're supposed to believe their high schools are superior to our doctoral programs even though they have to wait two months in a line for a roll of toilet paper. If it was so great in Krackistan, why did they leave in the first place?

Euro-Jim hated Bill Gates and Microsoft. In between expressing his strong belief of America's hemispherical discrimination policy, euro-Jim also badmouthed Microsoft all the time. He said things like,

"Microsoft intentionally displays the blue screen of death even when it's not necessary."

I don't know how euro-Jim knew this, but he said it with conviction. One time, someone sent an email to the listserv informing the readership that March was MS Awareness Month. Euro-Jim followed with an email comparing the symptoms of multiple sclerosis to the Windows Operating System. In it, he wrote,

"Memory loss, fatigue, dizziness, heat intolerance, vertigo, weakness. These are all symptoms of the Windows Operating system as well as multiple sclerosis."

I didn't find euro-Jim's comparison funny at all. Apparently many subscribers to the listserv didn't think it was humorous either. After euro-Jim's attempt at humor, the listserv was flooded with emails containing only one word,

"Unsubscribe."

People always think European movies are more edgy and more artsy than American movies. I don't think my dissatisfaction with euro-Jim's analogy was a cultural issue. I think he was just an euro-jerk. Clearly, others agreed with me as the exodus from the listserv continued. I responded with one word as well,

"Uncouth."

My accusation of no class angered euro-Jim because he countered with,

"Unintelligent."

Of course, I was unintelligent. I was an American with my deficient American education. I sent just to euro-Jim,

"Unglued,"

I made it look like it went to the whole listserv by leaving just one letter off the listserv to ensure it would bounce. Euro-Jim took the bait. He sent back to the listserv,

"Uncivilized."

To which I sent just to him,

"Unravel,"

keeping with my "you're nuts" theme. Euro-Jim sent to the listserv,

"Unscrupulous."

I sent,

"Unhinged."

Euro-Jim sent,

"Unjust."

to which I followed with,

"Unwell."

This went on all day, me sending my slightly insulting "un" word that was a synonym for "lunatic" to euro-Jim, and he responding with his equally childish "un" word to the entire listserv. The difference was no one knew I was doing it except euro-Jim, but everyone was aware that he was spamming the listserv for what appeared to the outside observer no intelligible reason.

Eventually someone sent,

"What is your problem?"

Euro-Jim took time to respond. He obviously looked closely at the emails flooding his inbox. He sent to everyone,

"I thought I was responding to another student."

I guess I was just discriminating against his European heritage when I baited him into making a fool of himself. An inquiry by the IT Department led to an email to the listserv stating,

"The listserv is a tool used by the university to provide important information to the student body, faculty and employees. An environment of intimidation, abuse or discrimination will not be tolerated on the university supported listserv. Subscribers who abuse the system will be unregistered immediately."

Being a consummate dick, I sent to the listserv just before I unsubscribed,

"Does this policy include people from Europe?"

Editor's Note: Originally published on February 21, 2017.