Stephen Hawking, Pop Icon

Stephen Hawking

If you’re really smart, like Will Hunting smart, you have to follow Stephen Hawking, the late wheelchair bound genius of theoretical physics. No one ever doubted Stephen's intellect. He was an author of several technical books, and held the same position at the University of Cambridge in England that Sir Isaac Newton once occupied. He was the premier professor of astrophysics. Neil deGrasse Tyson, Astrophysicist to the Stars, referred to Hawking as a "badass." He wrote about time, the expanding universe and the existence of aliens. He was married twice which is amazing considering he was a bit of a dependent personality. He attracted women purely on his super genius status. That’s impressive.

Being a professor of astrophysics means Stephen could postulate just about anything, and the lay public was mesmerized by his sheer brain power. He stipulated that black holes emit radiation and the collective brain trust of society gasped at the beauty of his hypothesis. They even named the radiation after him, "Hawking Radiation." It took Stephen minutes to type one letter so writing a book was a monumental task, but he soldiered on against unbelievable odds in a life that was incomprehensibly difficult.

Astrophysics is a tough subject with some equally tough math. I'm talking partial differential equations here. Stuff that will tax your neurons long before you get to “x = 8.” Real math for real smart people like Hawking. The chief advantage of being in the field of astrophysics is that you can postulate just about anything and since the advances don’t do anything beneficial for humankind, no one really questions any of it. If Hawking said Pez was emitted from black holes instead of radiation, no one would have challenged it. It would be called Hawking Pez and everyone would have accepted it. Sure, whatever. In think tanks all over the world, people would be heard saying,

"Did you know Pez is emitted from black holes?"

Everyone would nod in agreement, all thinking that the speaker was brilliant for even understanding the concept. The movie about Hawking’s life, The Theory of Everything, had a scene in which Eddie Redmayne, playing Hawking, sits in a wheelchair in front of the world’s leading astrophysicists in a small amphitheater and rambles on about a whole bunch of hypotheses regarding the heavens. When he finally completes his diatribe, David Thewilis, the onetime Professor Lupin who had a nasty case of the werewolfs, jumps up and exclaims,

“Hawking has done it!”

A foreign sounding scientist, somehow insulted by Hawking’s statements as if what he postulated was an outright insult to his family name, pops up from his seat and yells, “Preposterous!” as he makes for the exit.

I think that guy was on to something. Maybe he knew that civilized society would be sympathetic to Hawking and simply agree with him because of his plight. Or maybe Hawking was refuting this dude’s life’s work. Perhaps this guy was adamant about black holes not emitting radiation. Maybe he had proved it with countless peer reviewed technical papers in which the math showed that radiation could never be emitted from a black hole. Perhaps, he penned,

“Say what you want about black holes, they don't emit radiation. Period. End of story.”

I’m not sure what the deal was but that dude was pissed.

Stephen once disclosed that at Oxford he put in only about a thousand hours of the requisite 10,000 necessary to become a master in any field. He also admitted that he didn't learn to read until he was eight. Stephen’s publicist probably suggested that if he wanted to become more famous he would need to push the Hollywood version of genius which is that of a consummate slacker. This was best illustrated in the movie that launched Matt Damon’s and Ben Affleck’s careers, Good Will Hunting. Will Hunting was a janitor genius who intrinsically understood organic chemistry and had a natural ability with advanced mathematics. The big conflict in the movie was how Will didn't give two quarks about his advanced, superior intellect. Two percent of users on Rotten Tomatoes disliked this movie, ironically the same percentage of actual geniuses in society.

Hollywood loves the concept of the genius slacker, and Stephen wants to be a “pop icon.” He once declared,

“I don’t feel like a true pop culture icon until I’ve been on the Kardashians.”

I’m not sure if Stephen ever actually watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Kim Kardashian

Admittedly, I've never watched a full episode of the show either. Every time I tune in one of them is lamenting about fame, taking a picture of themselves or just doing something so painfully stupid that I had to watch a half hour of Lassie just to cleanse the palate. Last time I tuned in, they were all playing charades. It must have been a special family version that they alone engage in because the word to guess was, and I'm not making this up, "motherfucker." I tuned out when Robert Kardashian started air humping his mom, Kris. Before I could scramble the remote, Kim's expression changed from someone trying to discover the origin of a particularly foul smell to sheer delight as she shouted out the answer.

Exactly how does Stephen Hawking think he would scissor into that scene? If I was him I would fear being in the care of the Kardashians. They’re a little on the surface for me. I’d be scared they’d leave me in the corner with a dead battery, facing a black and white, tube TV tuned to MTV’s Pregnant at 16. Stephen shouldn’t have ever thought he could rely on Kanye West for the Heimlich maneuver if he choked on a piece of chicken. I think they would have discovered something is wrong only after Stephen started to smell bad.

Kanye West

Another time I watched the show the Kardashian clan was visiting their mother land, Armenia. Some of them were being given a tour of a thirteenth century monastery by a religious dude in a tunic who through a translator conveyed fascinating historical anecdotes. It didn’t really matter that none of them could understand a word the guy was saying because no one was listening anyway. Kanye began smiling and circling the guy while admiring his clothing. Kim was narrating when she said something about how she can always tell when Kanye’s fashion senses are piqued. Forget that this guy might be talking about some historically significant devastating tragedy that once befell the Aramean people. Kanye was more interested in the dude’s threads. Stephen would have been a great addition to that episode. At least one person would have appeared to be listening. Problem is they would have likely forgotten him on the bus.

Maybe it would have worked out. I don’t know. I just keep wondering who Stephen would've talked to, and if he did find one of them he could converse with, what would they talk about? Something tells me Scott Dipstick doesn’t have an opinion if light is a particle or a wave. I don’t think Kanye muses much about string theory, and I imagine what Kim knows about worm holes wouldn't interest Stephen Hawking. My money is against Khloe being well versed in special relativity, or Kendall embracing a stance on dark energy. Kylie might have an opinion concerning the Grand Unified Theory because I think it's the basis for her lip kit.

I always hoped one of the Kardashians stumbled across this post and launched an extensive social media attack of my blog, but it never happened. I would've been more than happy if they made this bitch famous.

Editor’s Note: Originally published on September 1, 2016.