Swim Fight Club

 

Lily King of the United States bested her Russian rival, Yulia Efimova, proving once again that capitalism with its too big to fail, special interest, organized labor and government bailouts is a far better system than communism. The King / Efimova story has all the elements of a classical drama, good versus evil, democracy versus communism, truth versus fiction and nice personality versus hot model.

America likes an underdog and Lily King is certainly that. King is the finger wagging, freshman Olympian who is an outspoken critic of performance enhancing drugs. She’s open about the finger flaunting not being a celebration of a first place victory, but instead a condemnation of her rival who was suspended for an earlier drug test. For some time now, the chief export of Russia has been hot, female, mediocre tennis athletes. Efimova is the swim version of the same state policy except she’s far from mediocre especially when she’s hopped up on Lance Armstrong’s mega shake. She is the reigning Russian world champion even while serving her 16 month suspension. She also popped positive just before Rio, but the charges were mysteriously dropped.

This didn’t sit well with Lily King. After King defeated Efimova in the 100m breast stroke and both swimmer’s extensive digital back and forth, King said,

“You’re shaking your finger ‘No. 1’ and you’ve been caught drug cheating. I’m not a fan.”

She also added, “It’s incredible, just winning a gold medal, and knowing I did it clean.” King also admitted to reporters “People probably think I am serving it up a little but, that is just how I am. That’s just my personality. I’m not this sweet little girl, that’s not who I am.”

Apparently, redemption and forgiveness is not who King is either.

Efimova medaled twice with silver in Rio, and King with two golds. (During the Olympics is the only time "medal" is a verb.) Efimova quipped at one point after being booed as she entered the arena,

"I thought the Cold War was over."

What Lily King does not understand is that it’s never a good idea to rub it in even when you’re in the right. The Olympics used to be about international magical cooperation. Or was that the Tri-wizard Tournament? My bad. At a press conference, King announced that she was returning to Indiana University to finish her Physical Education degree. I'm sure there is a middle school in Ohio that can't wait for King to graduate. Efimova should have made an obtuse remark like,

"Oh, Phys Ed? When I'm done with Rio, I'm doing the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover."

I often wonder how you get a four year college degree in physical education. Are the rules to dodge ball that complicated? King probably aced Kinesiology and Ethics. A quick online search indicates that there are actual PhD programs in physical education. Can you imagine being a Doctor of Gym? How does one come up with original physical education research? That must be the hard part.

Yulia Efimova

Americans may like an underdog, but they like people who are hot even more. Studies show that attractive people are hired sooner, paid more, promoted more frequently, more likely to be believed, and are more likely to be forgiven. No one is sure why Efimova’s charge of illegal substance use was dropped just before the Olympics. I’m sure after careful consideration the committee agreed that Efimova looked great in those swimsuit pictures. Yulia Efimova got into swimming to escape the First Chechen War. Lily King took up swimming because she had nothing to do on Friday nights. Did I mention the online swimsuit pics?

Efimova claimed that King made her entire Olympic experience a “nightmare.” I’ll tell you what a real nightmare looks like, waking up in a crummy town in the midwest as a Phys Ed student with a major superiority complex. Sorry. I just can’t get those swimsuit pictures out of my head. Efimova also claimed that she was unaware of how she popped positive on the drug tests. She should have blamed the whole drug thing on a late night dip in that green pool in Rio. She could have said,

"I never should have swam in there naked."

That would have kept social media busy for weeks. Efimova should leak some seductive photos to lead the American people away from the drug scandal. I think one side boob and a nipple slip should do the trick.