Ozzy's Revelation

Ozzy

First off, Ozzy’s real name is John. Recently, Ozzy revealed that he's addicted to sex and apologized to "all the woman" he used to satisfy his lust. I would have focused on apologizing to just my wife, but today when you publically mess up it’s important to apologize to as many people as soon as possible. His long time wife, Sharon, announced that at 67, Ozzy is finally getting treatment for sex addiction. Good for him.

This raises some questions. What exactly is the treatment for sex addiction? How do I make sure I don't inadvertently get any? Does it involve pictures of nuns? Sharon also added,

“He should call Tiger Woods for some advice.”

I would love to be privy to that conversation.

Tiger: “You got to follow through on your stroke.”

Ozzy: “But sometimes I get hung up in the rough.”

Tiger: “Always insist on a shave first.”
Ozzy: “Shave? Are we talking about golf here?”

Ozzy probably thought,

“And to think all these years, I thought I was just shagging groupies."

I might be going out on a limb here, but I think all men like sex. Rock stars like Ozzy just have a greater opportunity than, say, your average accountant. Many aging rock stars, who are getting a little crusty around the edges, probably still get their share of groupie wild nights. Just ask Mick Jagger. Ozzy’s mistress, Michelle Pugh, a celebrity hairstylist, believes Ozzy might have misled her with his intentions. She describes herself as “inspired by rock and roll as much as she is by nature.” If you draw a circle around the words “rock and roll” and “nature,” they intersect in one place at Ted Nugent.

Ozzy bit the head off a dove, and then later a bat, and I forgave him for that. Once, Ozzy used a shotgun to dispatch stray cats that had scratched his wife’s Mercedes, and I stayed mum. He pushed a fifty inch television set out a ninth floor window of a hotel, and I turned a blind eye. He cheated on his wife numerous times, and once again I looked the other way. He peed on the Alamo, which crosses the line for me. We all have our limits.

The Alamo

My real problem I have with Ozzy is that his music sounds like the record is spinning on the wrong speed, a little like Alvin and the Chipmunks, just darker. Ozzy's lyrics usually embrace difficult subjects like teenage suicide. Problem is he encourages it. The little ditty, "Suicide Solution" has the lines,

"Where to hide, suicide is the only way out."

"Don't you know what it's really about?"
 

Keep in mind that Ozzy is not unloading these lyrics on the brain trust of our society. His fans were once young now middle-aged, impressionable, unemployed, satanically bent, potheads with no direction who will likely live in their parent’s basement forever. Sure as the name implies, they don’t call it Black Sabbath for nothing. Ozzy is a shuffling contradiction. He is a member of the Church of England, but his followers are predominantly Satan worshipping, nutjobs. I don’t think the Black Sabbath concert attendees care much for the quality of the music. I often wonder who these people are that adore Black Sabbath. They bring road kills to concerts that they toss onstage. Ozzy apparently encourages this. It’s the next level of Gallagher. One guy brought a slaughtered cow head. There’s always one overachiever. I wonder if security had to wand the cow head to make sure it was safe to bring into the concert hall.

I wish Ozzy well, I guess. At 67, a dude that is still firing off rounds is great news for all us aging males. You go John, bite heads off animals, make televisions fly. Just stop peeing on the Alamo, will you?

Swim Fight Club

 

Lily King of the United States bested her Russian rival, Yulia Efimova, proving once again that capitalism with its too big to fail, special interest, organized labor and government bailouts is a far better system than communism. The King / Efimova story has all the elements of a classical drama, good versus evil, democracy versus communism, truth versus fiction and nice personality versus hot model.

America likes an underdog and Lily King is certainly that. King is the finger wagging, freshman Olympian who is an outspoken critic of performance enhancing drugs. She’s open about the finger flaunting not being a celebration of a first place victory, but instead a condemnation of her rival who was suspended for an earlier drug test. For some time now, the chief export of Russia has been hot, female, mediocre tennis athletes. Efimova is the swim version of the same state policy except she’s far from mediocre especially when she’s hopped up on Lance Armstrong’s mega shake. She is the reigning Russian world champion even while serving her 16 month suspension. She also popped positive just before Rio, but the charges were mysteriously dropped.

This didn’t sit well with Lily King. After King defeated Efimova in the 100m breast stroke and both swimmer’s extensive digital back and forth, King said,

“You’re shaking your finger ‘No. 1’ and you’ve been caught drug cheating. I’m not a fan.”

She also added, “It’s incredible, just winning a gold medal, and knowing I did it clean.” King also admitted to reporters “People probably think I am serving it up a little but, that is just how I am. That’s just my personality. I’m not this sweet little girl, that’s not who I am.”

Apparently, redemption and forgiveness is not who King is either.

Efimova medaled twice with silver in Rio, and King with two golds. (During the Olympics is the only time "medal" is a verb.) Efimova quipped at one point after being booed as she entered the arena,

"I thought the Cold War was over."

What Lily King does not understand is that it’s never a good idea to rub it in even when you’re in the right. The Olympics used to be about international magical cooperation. Or was that the Tri-wizard Tournament? My bad. At a press conference, King announced that she was returning to Indiana University to finish her Physical Education degree. I'm sure there is a middle school in Ohio that can't wait for King to graduate. Efimova should have made an obtuse remark like,

"Oh, Phys Ed? When I'm done with Rio, I'm doing the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover."

I often wonder how you get a four year college degree in physical education. Are the rules to dodge ball that complicated? King probably aced Kinesiology and Ethics. A quick online search indicates that there are actual PhD programs in physical education. Can you imagine being a Doctor of Gym? How does one come up with original physical education research? That must be the hard part.

Yulia Efimova

Americans may like an underdog, but they like people who are hot even more. Studies show that attractive people are hired sooner, paid more, promoted more frequently, more likely to be believed, and are more likely to be forgiven. No one is sure why Efimova’s charge of illegal substance use was dropped just before the Olympics. I’m sure after careful consideration the committee agreed that Efimova looked great in those swimsuit pictures. Yulia Efimova got into swimming to escape the First Chechen War. Lily King took up swimming because she had nothing to do on Friday nights. Did I mention the online swimsuit pics?

Efimova claimed that King made her entire Olympic experience a “nightmare.” I’ll tell you what a real nightmare looks like, waking up in a crummy town in the midwest as a Phys Ed student with a major superiority complex. Sorry. I just can’t get those swimsuit pictures out of my head. Efimova also claimed that she was unaware of how she popped positive on the drug tests. She should have blamed the whole drug thing on a late night dip in that green pool in Rio. She could have said,

"I never should have swam in there naked."

That would have kept social media busy for weeks. Efimova should leak some seductive photos to lead the American people away from the drug scandal. I think one side boob and a nipple slip should do the trick.

Phelps Smashes Leonidas of Rhodes 2168 Year Record



 

It was bound to happen with today's innovations in spandex and Gator Aide. Michael Phelps, the man a little more at home in Shamu's pool at SeaWorld than his home town of Baltimore, finally has more Olympic medals than anyone else. He trounced Leonidas of Rhodes long time record.

Leonidas was not a swimmer like Phelps. He was a talented runner like Bruce Jenner, before Bruce went through menopause. Unlike runners today, Leonidas ran his heats in the buff. All olympians competed naked in those days. I can’t image running a road race in the nude under the hot summer sun, let alone wrestling, but that’s the way they did it. Nudity was the fashion statement in athletics in ancient Greece. The word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek word “gymos” which means “buck naked.” I'm sure the taunting back in those days must have been awful. There was probably a lot of anatomical shaming to psych out your opponent. Say what you want about the ancient Greeks, they sure knew how to have fun.

Phelps has size fourteen feet so not surprisingly he excels at swimming having what is best described as two flippers to propel his six foot four frame. He also benefits from a whole host of technology not available in Leonidas's time like Advil and Tommy Copper to name a few. Ironically cupping therapy, the Phelps go to treatment for muscle pain, was around in Leonidas era. It dates back to 400 BC when it was used in Greece by Hippocrates, who came up with a moralistic oath sworn by all doctors today that states a doctor shall not order unnecessary tests just to run up the bill. 

Leonidas probably required a good cupping session after competing in the Hoplitodromos, a 800 meter run in full armor. He medaled several years in a row in the "hoppy" as they used to call it. Actually, Leonidas never got a single medal. Back in his day, they gave out wreaths that the Olympians wore on their heads. Leonidas "wreathed" in other running events, namely the Stadion and Diaulos, events equivalent to the 200m and 400m of today, except that after crossing the finish line the winner was expected to endure a congratulatory knee to the groin from every competitor. The Spartans were even tougher than the Greeks. Not only did they regard helmets as an unnecessary nuisance in battle, when they crossed the finish line, they kicked themselves in the nuts.

Leonidas probably did not get the kinds of lucrative deals modern day Olympians enjoy today although he did land an exclusive sponsorship for the wheel. Phelps on the other hand was picked up by Speedo, Under Armor and Cheech and Chong's Bong Magic.

All records are there to be broken. Leonidas of Rhodes had a good run. It was probably a little easier to get away with doping in Leonidas's day, but it was much harder to win. Just imagine running with a metal helmet with no foam padding under the hot sun while carrying a fifty pound bronze shield that your penis keeps banging into. Makes a swim competition look like a leisure activity.