Hollywood Ending



Abe

When I finally got around to watching the movie, Lincoln, I was certain I was in for a spellbinding journey. Directed by Stephen Spielberg, the film garnished a best actor Oscar and Golden Globe for Daniel Day Lewis. Lewis also received the Screen Actors Guild Award for Outstanding Performance as well as many other accolades. I enjoy movies about the past for the difficulty in weaving a compelling story in amongst historical facts.



During the tense scene depicting the vote on the Thirteenth Amendment which abolished slavery in this country, I noted early on that the delegates from Connecticut voted against the bill. I never knew my home state was on the wrong side during this pivotal time in our country's sordid past. Growing up, my teachers always told us that all six New England states ratified the Thirteenth Amendment.

I didn't even wait to leave the theatre before I googled this earthshattering event that went against everything I was taught in grade school. I quickly discovered that all four Connecticut delegates voted in favor of ending slavery. The same reaction perplexed Congressman Joe Courtney from Connecticut, who rifled a letter to Spielberg requesting that the error be corrected.

In response screenwriter, Tony Kushner, explained that Lincoln was a historical drama, not a historical documentary, and as such many elements like conversations and ancillary characters were fictious. Apparently, Kushner erroneously believed that the vote proceeded alphabetically according to state, and Connecticut being early in the alphabet, needed to vote against the Thirteenth Amendment to create tension. The filmmakers wanted to convey the concept that the bill barely passed. Actually the voting proceeds in order of the number of delegates in each state and not alphabetically. Apparently, the historical consultants on the film were not, well, historically consulted.

It's always been okay to change historical facts for a Hollywood makeover as long as doing so yields a better story than ordinary reality. It did get me thinking about a lot of films which would have been better if the story followed a more cinematographic theme rather than the boring truth. So here are a few popular films which could have benefitted from some literary license.

The Martian

This film was widely touted as a technically accurate portrayal of space travel, but unfortunately it contained significant errors. First off, the Martian atmosphere is 1% as thick as that on earth so it's unlikely that a storm on Mars could pick up a human in a spacesuit and fling him so far that his buds can't find his hapless carcass. The storm was the basis for Mark Watney's mishap that led to his stranding. Sometimes techno geeks criticize science fiction films for esoteric anomalies like satellites orbiting in the wrong direction, the sound of explosions in space or the wrong constellations in a scene. I think you can punt on some of these things, but not on the basis for conflict in a story. The main plot elements should be grounded in real science, not science fiction. The Martian astronauts also didn't appear to be affected by the 1/3 gravity on the planet as well.
 

 

The movie could have been made more compelling if Matt was stranded on Mars with a chimpanzee named "Chim-Chim." Even though The Martian won a Golden Globe for Best Comedy, it would have been actually funny if a monkey other than Damon was in the film. A lot of Hollywood flicks include an animal for comic relief. The 1964 movie, Robinson Crusoe on Mars, included a monkey named Mona, which was adorable in her little spacesuit, complete with tiny helmet.

Chim-Chim in The Martian could have saved Matt Damon from certain death as the monkey sacrificed himself when warding off an attack of alien lizard-like predators that lay eggs in your stomach, which explode, flinging guts and blood everywhere when they hatch. You know, something never done before.
 

Gravity

This film also deviated from scientific facts, but the mishap is certainly possible, that is, a catastrophic collision and disintegration of satellites orbiting the earth bring calamity to shuttle astronauts. Space debris whips around the earth at spectacular speeds. The movie implied that the Russians fucked up somehow when they shot down a defunct satellite with a missile and caused the chain reaction, the so called Kessler syndrome, which sets the plot in motion.

Clooney's character, endlessly jabbering veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski, who sounds more like a bowling buddy than a seasoned astronaut, commands his last mission as he buzzes around in a Extravehicular Mobility Unit which seems to have an endless supply of fuel. Clooney senselessly flies around like a kid on a playground even though extravehicular activity is usually not the job of the mission commander. Amusement abounds as Phaldult Sharma jumps for joy yanking his tether, as he succeeds with a repair procedure on the Hubble telescope. I'm no astronaut, but I would guess that normal operating procedures don't involve testing the fidelity of a rope in space. Clooney also almost loses a screw from the Hubble telescope. This doesn't happen either as fasteners are often mechanically attached to their panel to keep space junk out of orbit. After the cataclysmic collision, Clooney rescues Bullock, but later runs out of fuel in his mobility unit. I'll bet he wished he didn't zoom around like an ass wipe in the opening scene.  

The scene in which Saundra Bullock was attempting to communicate with some foreign dude on earth, and she hears a baby crying as well as a dog barking always disappoints me. For what seems like an exorbitant amount of time, a talented and beautiful actress is wasted by howling like a dog for no logical reason. Obviously she can't communicate with a foreigner which limits the possible dialog. Bullock's character lost her only child in a tragic playground accident, which leads me to believe she would have focused on the child crying in lieu of the barking dog.

Gravity was written and directed by Alfonso Cuaron, the same guy who did the riveting film, Children of Men, my all time favorite flick. In the latter movie, the human race is inexplicably unable to conceive, and the world unravels in the absence of children. A young teenager becomes the only woman on the planet to give birth in two decades. Factions attempt to kidnap the baby as their symbol of their organization. During one dramatic scene, a rebel is pinned down by gun fire. As bullets ricochet above his head, he says,

"I was carrying the baby up the stairs. He started crying. I've forgotten what they look like. They're so beautiful. So tiny."

I thought for sure when I heard the baby cry in Gravity that Cuaron would have had Bullock's character say something similar about the beautiful sound of a child crying as heard by a mother who suffered such an unbearable loss. It would have been an appropriate nod to his other magnanimous film. Instead we got the dog barking scene. Oh, well.

When Clooney was being dragged away from Bullock only to release himself to save her, the up close and personal sacrifice made for a very dramatic scene. Problem is that there was no basis in physics as to why Clooney was being pulled away. All Bullock had to do is tug on the tether and Clooney would've drifted to her. You can't kill off a protagonist with convenient science. I would have had a monkey named "Chim-Chim" at the controls of a robotic arm, snatch Bullock from her perilous predicament. Clooney, who never got along with Chim-Chim, would've been swatted into oblivion by the same robotic appendage. The monkey gives Clooney the finger as he sails by the window.

Titanic

I liked this movie, but why did the ship have to sink? It was fun watching Cal chase Rose and Jack about the decks, popping off shots at them as they scurried about. The whole ship sinking gimmick was a bit of a distraction. In fact, with a little editing, the film could have been turned into a rom-com.
 

The ending when Rose tosses the "Heart of the Ocean" necklace into the sea never made any sense to me. After Rose finds herself a survivor on the deck of RMS Carpathia, alone in the rain and cut off from her wealthy friends and family, she gives her name as "Rose Dawson" before she discovers the jewels in Cal's coat. The ending scene includes a collage of pictures of Rose on horseback in Egypt, flying a biplane, deep sea fishing, all the things Jack would've done if he had any money. I figured Rose did all these things after she hocked Cal's coat and the diamond. I'm not sure how Rose paid for all these adventures as an uneducated woman in 1912. I would have had Rose use the money from the gem to become the first female astrophysicist instead of some bimbo bouncing around the planet. Rose says,

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets."

The only secret I want to know is how she weathered World War I and the Great Depression while travelling the globe on perpetual vacation.

Saving Private Ryan

This film should have followed the revisionist history movies like Inglorious Basterd and Django Unchained which fulfill our desires to rewrite history. The former movie portrayed a white guy assembling a Jewish guerrilla group who whaled on the Nazis, including scalping SS officers, and ultimately assassinate Hitler. The latter was about a black gunslinger who shot white slave owners. I think if Private Ryan was a full fledged trans soldier who was completely accepted by his army buddies in 1945, the film would have been a real groundbreaker.

Pearl Harbor

Another movie that would have been better as a comedy. Perhaps a small, ragtag group of GIs defend the entire island against the invading Japanese. There would be a wisecracking dude bro from the Bronx, an ivy leaguer from Connecticut, a rough and tough sergeant with a good heart, and two comic relief goofballs, Minnesota Bear, who wears his ball cap up turned, and Gooz who has a pet rat. The constant companion to the main protagonist, Rafe, played by Ben Affleck, is a monkey named "Chim-Chim" who seized the controls of his airplane when Rafe is knocked unconscious. Chim-Chim shoots down several Japanese zeroes before Rafe regains consciousness.

Apollo 13

The riveting true story of astronauts, Jim Lovell, Jack Swigert, and Fred Haise and their ill fated trip to the moon had many tense scenes involving NASA geeks trying to figure things out with slide rulers. It was a testament to the can-do attitude of Americans that I sometimes think is lost to the millennial generation, who are always popping 5-Hour Energy every time they have to do something physical.

The story would have been more compelling if the three astronauts were accompanied by a monkey named "Chim-Chim" who saved the crew when he seized the controls and stabilized the cripple capsule. Lovell and Chim-Chim perform a difficult extravehicular activity (EVA) to repair the damaged spacecraft only to have Chim-Chim dragged away by an unseen force that only affects him. He sacrifices himself by uncoupling then casting off his tether. As he drifts away, Chim-Chim flips Lovell the bird.

Blog of One

This post marks the end of my blog. I agreed to write twice a week for a year. I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep it up, but I did. Initially, I thought I would run out of ideas after a month, but they kept rolling in. With 104 posts, over 25,000 page views and a bit over 30 subscribers, I think I can say that it was an enjoyable run. I wrote this blog to sharpen my skills as a humor writer, and now I'm tasked with completing a comedy script I've been toying for a few years now. Thank you, for the kind comments. I had a lot of support from friends and family who said things like,
"You write a blog? Where?"

Throwback of Aidan, Me
and William

"I haven't read the last three months."

"You swear too much."

"That last post was stupid."

My wife, Christine, who is often the subject of many posts along with our boys, Aidan and William, have been the editor and first line readers, respectfully. They are my closest advisors who let me know when I've gone too far and occasionally not far enough. They are all the very best of everything in my life.

I'll likely return to Blog of One in the near future after my latest project is brought to a close. It's been fun and educational. I've learned many things, but one thing is for sure.

I haven't a clue what makes people laugh.

America's Got Tragedy

After twelve seasons, I've finally got around to watching yet another talent show. Simon Cowell produces America's Got Talent (AGT), which is thankfully devoid of the nut job highlights so prominently featured on other talent shows like American Idol. Who can forget William Hung's rounded rendition of the Ricky Martin smash hit "She Bang." Or the sagging protest anthem "Pants on the Ground" by Larry Platt. Or Season Seven's white fur hat wearing Renaldo Lapuz's sensitive original "We're Brothers Forever."

William Hung

American Idol routinely dedicated a lot of air time spotlighting the performances of various talentless people. I hated sitting through their fifteen minutes of fame. Luckily, Cowell didn't port this feature to AGT. Instead he copied another often used tactic to garnish favor from American audiences, the tragic story.

After cordial introductions many of the contestants launch into the details that brought them to sing, play the piano or juggle flaming bowling pins, a family member's Stage 5 colon cancer or their own struggles with physical disability. One contestant sang an original song after going completely deaf, another's father was battling the big C. Still yet, a woman who survived a fiery plane crash in her native Nigeria only to be tragically scarred, sang Ed Sheridan's "Thinking Out Loud."



America loves an underdog. Not only did all these acts receive a standing ovation, a few reigned in the coveted golden buzzer, the gimmicky techno beeline to the live show. The young lady, Evie Clair, who tearfully sang for her dad during his chemo treatments, and the nine year old singer, Angelica Hale, who survived a kidney transplant when she was four years old, (she got the kidney from her mother), both got the golden buzzer. It's not that I didn't find their stories compelling. It's just that without their tragic tale of overcoming hardship many of their performances were mediocre at best. Marisa McKaye, the soft spoken and humble 12 year old girl didn't retell a gut wrenching story before she played her guitar and sang. She was sent packing by Heidi during the judges cuts. After thanking the judges, McKaye sweetly said as she fought back tears,

"It's okay."

She would be in the finals if her little brother had died of Spontaneous Human Combustion. McKaye showed a level of maturity and poise not seen among many of the other, older contestants.

Sara & Hero

Take the case of Sara Carson and Hero, the trained dog. When we first met Carson, she talked about how shy she was from all the bullying she endured in school. She credits Hero with saving her life. Her pirate themed act involved prancing about the stage while the dog jumped through her legs. They appeared to be fighting each other as the dog took her sword in his mouth and jumped about on its hind quarters. Mell B and Howie were not impressed as Carson crumbled into a ball with her dog and sobbed. Heidi liked the act as did Cowell, who went up on stage to argue a case that Howie should change his vote. The audience was clearly 100% behind Carson because in America a healthy dog trumps a human cancer victim every time. Howie wisely acquiesced because as the show's producer, Cowell's his boss.

Colton &Trent Edwards

There are other strange phenomena occurring on AGT that I'm not able to understand. Take the case of singing, dancing duo, Colton and Trent Edwards, who call themselves "Mirror Image," taking a cue from their mirror twin status. A mirror is just what Colton and Trent need in the Edwards home. Not only do they suck as singers, their dancing is so bad that it's embarrassing, times two, to watch them flutter about the stage. I'm not sure which one said this so I'll just say the left one exclaimed,

"The world is our oyster, and we are its pearls!"

This is what happens to millennials with snowplow parents, constantly telling them that they're special snowflakes. They go onto a syndicated, national television show and make permanent fools of themselves. I feel bad for the Edwards twins. I have a few surviving pictures of my long hair days, "parted in the middle and feathered on the sides." There's also a shot of me in a shiny celery suit my mother borrowed from her friend who's son wore it when he graduated in 1971. I got to wear it when I went to honors night in the early '80's. I didn't know at the time how foolish I looked in the outdated suit. That was a long time ago, but I still wince whenever I see that picture.

Darcy Callus

The Edwards twins, through the magic of the internet, will be able to relive their cringe worthy performance on AGT for the rest of their life. How these two snuck past the judges cut is beyond me. I must have missed the fine print which states that a quirky, questionable act beats out a tragic story. The Edwards twins even trounced Darcy Callus, who sang and played the piano.

Callus made the mistake of not coming up with a sob story like his beloved cat, Tinkles, choked on a monster hairball on the way to the hospital to be treated for a terminal case of feline leukemia. Instead he just came out and did his thing. I'm no musician, but I thought Callus did great. Cowell said his performance wasn't as good as the first, then sent him packing.

Something happened to Simon after his best friend's wife gave birth to Cowell' son. He actually mellowed. This happened to my wife, Christine, as well, except that because I don't have any friends, the baby was mine. Before we had our children, Christine was a tough as nails, straight talking, businesswoman. Years ago, we were watching American Idol when some little girl melted down while singing.

"Poor kid," I exclaimed.

Christine launched, "You want to be a professional singer, you have to suck it up, overcome the nerves and soldier though the pain. You can't start blubbering on national TV."

I think I saw out of the corner of my eye, Christine draw a line across her neck with her index finger as she made a cutting noise. At the time, I didn't know I married Anita the Hun. After she gave birth to our first son, Aidan, we were watching the show when the same thing happened. A kid started to mess up on stage. I looked at Christine as she said,

"Why doesn't someone help that poor boy? He's pouring his heart out up there. That's somebodies baby, you know."

I think the kid was like 22 or something. Anyway, Cowell has gone soft, and it's reflected in AGT. I miss the old Simon. The cocky Brit who'd spit out Coke while trying not to laugh at some dude ruining a perfectly good Ricky Martin song. I don't know where AGT is going, but I'll see it through to the end.

At least they cut that chicken that played the piano.