Say It Ain't So, Lance

Lance Armstrong

Disgraced bicycle champion, Lance Armstrong, settled his lawsuit filed by the Justice Department on behalf of the US Postal Service for violating his sponsorship contract which bars doping. The government was seeking $100 million, but Lance agreed to pony up $6.65 million. After dominating the Tour of France for nearly a decade, Armstrong's downfall began after he admitted to Oprah in 2013 that he took performance enhancing drugs.

Armstrong's lie unraveled when teammate, Alan Landis, was caught with a banned substance in his system by the US Anti Doping League after his long awaited Tour of France win. Landis, riding for years in Armstrong's shadow, claimed that Armstrong had orchestrated a campaign to cover up the US Postal Team's doping activities. Armstrong remained steadfast that he hadn't used performance enhancing drugs until his confession.

The Justice Department filed a motion to suppress Armstrong's defense that professional bike racing is a dirty sport in which "everyone was doing it." Armstrong's lawyers attempted to submit a summary of the sport's 125 year history of doping including the use of heroin in the 1890's and amphetamines in the 1950's. The government lawyers were seeking triple damages under The False Claims Act (FCA). Landis obtained whistleblower status even though he was caught doping himself which entitles him to a quarter of the $100 million lawsuit. Things didn't go as planned for the government team of lawyers who claimed that Armstrong's doping caused over a billion dollars of negative advertising to the US Postal Service. Lance's lawyers stipulated that the government got millions in positive press for its investment in the cycle team.

Some people think that Lance Armstrong sat around on the couch, watching Animal Planet while sipping Mountain Dew and eating Pringles, then shot up some dope just before he hopped on his bike to win the Tour of France. That just wasn't the case. Like the Mr. Universe bodybuilding competition, athletes in cycling must train to their physical limit before they take performance enhancing drugs to push into the stratosphere. Lance Armstrong won because he was willing to do what he had to do to cross the finish line first. The truth is that just about everyone competing in the Tour of France who was anywhere near contention was taking something to be there, and the organizers loved it.

Lance Kicking Ass

Armstrong had a great story. He was a cancer survivor, raised by a single mother. He was told by his high school teacher that he would never make any money riding a bicycle. He lost one of his balls to the big C but still managed to have children. He climbed to the top of the cycling world and dominated for a decade, racking up seven Tour of France wins. He was never caught doping, but he was often accused. Investigations mysteriously turned up no evidence and often exonerated Armstrong. More people than ever followed bicycle racing due to Armstrong's compelling story, garnishing greater attention, more sponsors and added profits for the organizers. Just like bodybuilding in which spectators want to see bigger muscled competitors each year, we all wanted to watch faster super humans battle it out on two wheels.

Every competitor in the Mr. Olympia bodybuilding contest is taking some form of steroids. It is so prevalent that they don't test the athletes even though steroid use is banned. Performance enhancing substance abuse is more than just implied. It is so overt that they have a Mr. Natural Olympia competition in which the athletes sign agreements stating that they won't dope. Many natural competitors have been accused of taking drugs. The reason there is such a dichotomy in bodybuilding contests is because the event organizers and sponsors know that spectators want to see more massive athletes each year. The same drive to win with all its financial benefits is the reason why so many cyclists dope.

Some racers installed small powerful electric motors in their bike frames to give a boost when needed. Many transfused additional blood to their system, the so called "blood doping," which increase the amount of hemoglobin enhancing oxygen transport. Others took banned substances. If you want to win, you have to train hard and take any available advantage to be competitive. The truth is when Lance Armstrong won our doped out cyclist beat another country's doped out cyclist.

I followed Lance Armstrong's career because I was a longtime cyclist who was enthralled with his cancer survivor story. When he divorced his wife and began boffing Sheryl Crowe, I was bit turned off. Then Lance was seen with Ashley Olsen who was 14 years his junior. Armstrong's handlers encouraged him to break it off since the relationship negatively impacted his image. He dumped Olson for Kate Hudson who was closer to his age. Ashley Olson began dating the Hollywood director, Bennet Miller, who was almost 20 years her senior. Her sister, Mary Kate, married French financier, Oliver Sarkozy, who is 17 years older than her. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I was crushed when Lance confessed to Oprah, and to this day I don't know why he came clean. He should have taken the truth to his grave. There's been a lot of speculation as to what Armstrong's angle was, but I never heard anything that makes sense. I think the Justice Department's case was an overreaching bureaucratic frivolous lawsuit. The US Postal Service spend $32.3 million sponsoring Armstrong and his team from 2000 to 2004. No one said,

"Golly, now that Armstrong admitted to doping and was stripped of his seven Tour of France wins I'm gonna mail my letter with someone else."

We don't even need the US Postal Service which is nothing more than a government entity tasked with disseminating hardcopy spam. If anything Armstrong changed the opinion of people that the postal service was cool instead of a place where whack jobs go to work only to come in with an assault rifle and take out their coworkers.

Armstrong is now in a committed relationship with Anna Hansen, whom he had two children with purportedly via natural means. He's no longer part of the charity he started, Livestrong Foundation, a nonprofit organization that provides support to people affected by cancer. I'm glad that Lance settled his lawsuit with the government even though he's banned for life from ever competing in racing or working in a bike shop. The guy is a survivor. He beat cancer. He beat a childhood sans a father. He beat the odds of procreating with only one nut. He beat all the people he defamed when he lied about doping. Now, he beat the Department of Justice. Good on him.

Through it all I still follow Lance Armstrong's career. I just wish he didn't exploit the Olson twin's daddy issues.

Editor's Note: Originally published on July 25, 2017.

How I Learned About the First Amendment

In 1974 I was ten years old when my father took me to a local Saint Patrick’s Day parade. Back then my dad harbored a lot of bigoted thoughts which were common among unionized factory workers in New England. For example he hated the Irish, often expressing the sentiment that they collectively abused alcohol. He frequently used more colorful language to describe his beliefs so I found it odd that he wanted to bear witness to a parade celebrating Saint Patrick. We were not as enthusiastic as the actual Irish people in attendance. I, for one, thought parades were boring, but there we were standing on the crowded sidewalk vying for a better spot to watch a fire truck, a clown on a bicycle and a plethora of leprechauns pass us by.

Being chronically late to every event we attended, the best position we could claim on the sidewalk was several rows back from the curb. At my youthful height I couldn’t see anything but the back side of a woman parked in front of me. Just as things were reaching the interest level of a catholic homily, the crowd all turned around and started booing. I peered through the crush of bodies to ascertain what all the ruckus was about.

“What’s going on?” I asked my father.

“Gay Pride float,” he answered.

The woman whose fundament had obscured my view was now facing me as she vocalized her displeasure. She was holding the hands of two small children who appeared puzzled as they eyed over their shoulders the festivities unfolding behind them. I continued to search in between the masses in attempts to spot the passing float. I recall a rainbow, some smiling people and music which was mostly drowned out by the increasing fervor of the crowd. My father didn’t turn his back or jeer with the throngs, but I knew his lack of expression was not tacit approval. I asked my dad,

“What does that got to do with Saint Patrick's Day?”

“Nothing,” my father reasoned, “but they got a right to be here.”

“How come?” my ten year old mind struggled.

“Because the parade uses public money so they have to allow anybody in.”

My father explained that the theme of the parade was irrelevant. The only thing that mattered was the First Amendment which allows everyone to express their opinion even if the crowd disagrees with them. The spectators turned back towards the street as the float receded.

“So they're in the parade because they have a right to be heard?” I asked.

“Pretty much,” my father answered.

The crowd suddenly began booing even louder. I peered through the mass of people as another float approached. I recall seeing a load of soldiers in brown uniforms with red armbands all raising an arm as fanatical foreign sounding words blared from a loudspeaker.

“Who are those guys?” I asked.

“The Neo-Nazis,” my father offered.

“Why do they get to be in the parade?”

“They want to be heard too.”

“But they're Nazis?"

“Free speech. Even for assholes,” my father retorted.

On the ride home my dad explained that the Supreme Court affirmed that speech may not be restricted based on content or offensiveness. He said that the harshest, unpalatable language is still protected since such words cause more discussion, more speech. In the coming years that is exactly what occurred. People exposed to alternate ideas came to realize that gay couples simply wanted the same rights as everyone else. Later I read articles that chronicled the legal difficulties of unmarried, cohabiting people when one is hospitalized or passes away. Laws established by our government were simply excluding some citizens based on who they chose to be with. Eventually organized rallies and parades focusing on Gay Pride were held in most major cities. In 2017, the Supreme Court legalized same sex marriages across the country. In contrast the rhetoric promoting the American Nazi Party led to widespread condemnation. By the mid 80's with membership in decline, the party disappeared from the election ballot.

The reason why the free expression of ideas is included in the first of the amendments is because the founders recognized that historically censorship leads to some pretty screwed up policies. Speaking out against the king usually got you thumbscrews, stuffed in a dark cell or a ride on the rack. Suppression of scientific ideas by the church led to Galileo being reprimanded to house arrest for the remainder of his life for believing the sun and not the earth was the center of the solar system. The flat, two dimensional renderings in medieval art were not because artists of the day were unskilled. They were following rules established by the church which stated religious figures had to be depicted significantly larger, expressionless and without a shadow since only earthly subjects blocked sunlight.

Today social media affords a fast and easy spread of ideas, but such platforms are not short-circuiting the process of forwarding concepts. Many people focus on the spread of misinformation prompting the encouragement of fact checking to verify accuracy. Furthermore, the condensation of complex issues to trigger words by higher educational institutions have made the younger generations feel entitled to safe spaces. 

People are sometimes fired from their job for words posted to their personal media accounts prompting states like New York to affirm via legislation that terminations for speech expressed outside of the workplace is unlawful. Connecticut is currently considering repealing a 1917 law which restricts offensive speech on First Amendment grounds. The law punishes "any person who... ridicules or holds up to contempt any person... on account of the creed, religion, color, denomination, nationality or race of such person..." The ACLU supports the repeal of the law which is blatantly unconstitutional even though a 2015 Pew Research Center survey revealed that 40% of millennials support the government limiting speech that is offensive to minorities. Twitter has stepped out of its role as a platform for expressing ideas and now is a publisher that warns users of dubious posts. Due diligence used to be the job of journalists, but today the news is crafted for public consumption by corporations treading water in a 24 hour news cycle, leaving less time or interest in vetting sources.

Recently an open letter addressing free speech appeared in the online version of Harper's Magazine. Signed by 153 academics and writers including J.K. Rowling, the letter leads with acknowledgment of and support for the current protests and subsequent demands for reform. There is also an overt condemnation of the President who is described as "a real threat to democracy." The letter explains that the recent social upheaval has "intensified a new set of moral attitudes and political commitments that tend to weaken our norms of open debate and toleration of differences in favor of ideological conformity." As they lament the "constriction" of the "free exchange of information and ideas," the authors tread carefully ensuring that they convey support for the current narrative. In the very act of upholding "the value of robust and even caustic counter-speech," the signatories are clear that although they support liberal causes and dislike Trump, they would prefer not to be canceled themselves. In the recent past some of the signers of the letter called for severe retribution to others who posted statements on social media that they disagreed with. When the mob turned on them for their transgressions, these same people farted out a letter upholding their constitutional right to flap their trap.

Some people say the Constitution guarantees that you can say what you want but does not protect you from the consequences of what you say. That's not exactly accurate. If there are repercussions for speech, then it certainly is not free. What the Constitution does not guarantee is freedom from offense. As our culture spirals downward canceling everyone that strays from ideological conformity, I am reminded of the crowd who turned their backs on the Gay Pride float in my hometown. The uninhibited exchange of ideas along with debate, reflection and time changed those people’s hearts and minds, and eventually we all got it right.

Bike Dude Bro

On Our West Coast Bike Trip

We live on a scenic road that is frequented by many walkers, runners and cyclists. It's a narrow lane that is also used by vehicles taking a shortcut to the nearby casino. Our end of the street has the least amount of houses and no street lights so it gets more than it's fair share of disgarded trash. Before I ride my daily loop on my bicycle, I take a few minutes to pick up all the garbage in front of our house. The beer cans are always low end brews like Budweiser and Miller, never Guinness or even Sam Adams for that matter. After finding my eighth "Champaign of Beers," I figured it would be best to bring my truck down later and throw the growing pile of trash into the back. A cyclist rolled to a stop.

"Robert?" he said, "Derek. We used to work together."

"Oh hey," I answered hesitatingly.

Derek and I worked on a software team for a small company although he didn't actually write any software. He was on the crack "User Interface Team," which consisted of a bunch of people with useless college degrees that didn't involve any math expressing their opinions as to what our software should look like. Some of Derek's swaths of brilliance he espoused for our applications included a round start up splash screen, music and sound effects and my favorite, a small panel containing the Dilbert comic strip as something "whimsical." Apart from the fact that our company could never afford the license required to display a syndicated comic strip in an application accessible to a multitude of users, there was always the possibility that Dilbert might offend one of our customers like in the strip when it was implied that Dilbert had sex with his coworker because his tie was drawn flaccid.

Derek is a dope jock who has a degree in music with an emphasis on the tuba. He earned a Bachelor of Arts in the sousaphone. He got a job with the company because he played handball with the Chief Technology Officer. I'm not worried that Derek will read this because I don't think he can actually read.

"I didn't know you cycled," Derek exclaimed.

I biked a lot over the years. My wife, Christine, and I rode a tandem for 1300 miles of the West Coast, camping along the way. I used to go out and push for my personal best, but my days of "hammering" are behind me. The phase of life I am in now is more like a slow slide into a pine box. Biking for me has become a solitary time of the day when I can listen to some tunes and chill out while I get a little cardio in. I don't have a cycle computer that records my stats. I go out for as long or as short as I want, often pedaling the same loop by the Mystic River.

I surmised that biking with Derek would be slightly less appealing than a colonoscopy followed by a root canal. I never liked working with Derek. He was an arrogant, unskilled, dickhead who often interjected nonsensical requirements into the project like button placement or color choices. Whatever sport Derek played at the time became the topic of conversation during meetings. In his handball days Derek would blather about all the latest must have handball equipment. He would often talk about making the Olympic team. Derek always just missed qualification although I think he exaggerated his efforts to fulfill his dreams of glory.

"I just finished my first four hour century," Derek exclaimed.

A hundred miles on a bike sustaining 25 mph for four hours would certainly put you in contention with the top riders in the Tour of France. The best I ever did was 5 hours and 10 minutes. I think I was in my twenties. Something told me that Derek's days of thunder were behind him. One thing was for sure, he was still bad at math.

"That's impressive," I said.

"We should ride together," Derek suggested.

"Oh, I don't know."

"Come on!" he insisted.

I was at the end of my driveway with my bike, helmet, Motorola Jersey and a pile of beer cans. There was no way out of this.

"Okay," I said before I had time to process what I was agreeing to.

"Great! Let's go." Derek insisted.

We hardly pedaled a hundred feet when I noticed Derek was riding in the middle of the road and not yielding to cars behind us. A vehicle slowed to ascertain if it was safe enough to pass in the oncoming lane. As the guy approach, Derek yelled,

"Asshole!" then launched the one finger international symbol of ill will.

"I think he was just trying to get by," I offered.

"Fuck him!" Derek yelled, "I'm on a bike."

This was true. On a bike one is classified as a pedestrian who has a right to be on the road while the operator of a vehicle is exercising a privilege, but legal definitions are of little consequence when you're being squished by a distracted driver. We pressed on.

I dropped back so Derek could move in single file. As he did he expelled a particularly loud fart which I pedaled through. It smelled of bean dip and Gatorade. Apart from the fact that something in my nose was once in Derek's ass, I tried to make little notice of it. I simply moved into the lane to avoid the colorless, odorous, noxious cloud. Just before a slight hill Derek leaned to the left, pressed a finger on his right nostril and blasted a stream of snot from his nose. An atomized fog of phlegm hit me in the face, leaving tiny droplets on my glasses.

"Let's eat this hill!" Derek launched as he connected with his inner Lance Armstrong.

Derek stood up on the pedals and began swaying his bike back and forth. I downshifted allowing a greater distance between us. Derek rocketed down the other side of the slope. As he approached a red traffic light he scanned the area quickly then bolted across the intersection in defiance of the signal. I slowed until the light changed to green before I ventured into the crossroad. When I caught up, Derek asked,

"You want to go down town?"

The traffic in Mystic during the summer can be heavy, especially when the drawbridge opens. Before I had a chance to answer, Derek was darting for the road leading into town. I followed. As we pedaled in a single file, a small dog bolted across a stretch of grass. The dog stayed in its yard and chased us while it barked incessantly. Derek pulled out a slender white can with a red top from his back pocket, aimed then blasted the tiny dog with pepper spray. Derek drained the can into the little dog's face, causing the animal to whimper and retreat. He shook the can by his ear, looked at the label then threw it to the ground. The empty, white container clanked on the pavement as it bounced past me.

By now I was thinking, as a bicyclist Derek was a real douchebag, just like at work. He expelled fluids from his body, maced a Chihuahua, darted through traffic, rode in the middle of the road, yelled at motorists and discard trash in the street. I was going to catch up with him and let him have it. I was so angered, I stood up on my pedals to close the gap. When I was at his side, Derek asked,

"You take anything?"

I hadn't a clue what he was asking.

"Take what?"

"You know, performance enhancers."

"Like what?"

"Creatin, DHEA, testosterone, you know, EPO."

"Why would I take that shit?"

"It's sports medicine!"

"You mean 'dope'."

"Not all of us are willing to go the extra mile to realize our potential," Derek reasoned.

"Potential?"

"Yeah, a personal best."

"That stuff will kill you."

"You have to be committed if you want to perform at the next level."

I was dumbfounded that there are forty somethings like Derek still clutching onto Olympic dreams. A loud horn sounded, signifying the raising of the drawbridge. Derek got up on his pedals and took off like a roided out nutjob. He darted under the falling traffic boom, crossed over the road barrier before it rose from the street then rocketed across the bridge. I came to a full stop after which the bells began to sound and the bridge started to rise.

The opening of the old drawbridge crossing the Mystic River can be a twenty minute evolution, depending on the number of boats. I looked about as I waited. Derek was long gone. These days waiting for the boat traffic to clear doesn't bother me. I smelled what I thought was the soup of the day simmering in a nearby restaurant. I wondered what it was. I admired the boats slipping into the causeway. I glanced at the tourists standing before the pedestrian boom on the sidewalk. An elderly woman looked in my direction.

"The color of your bicycle is beautiful," she said.

My bike is blue with accents of yellow. I looked at the woman's eyes. She had lived a long life and now used a cane to walk. I wondered where she was from, where she was born and where she was to go. The old woman's eyes shone like aquamarines in the midday sun.

"Blue like your eyes," I said.

She smiled.

Editor's Note: Originally posted on July 27, 2017.

Happy Birthday to the People

In our country presidents are often known by nicknames given to them by the media, voters or their own friends and family. For the nation's birthday, I thought I would give you a rundown of the lesser known presidential nicknames as well as their last words.

George Washington

We all know Washington as "The Father of his Country," but few have heard that he was called "The American Fabius" for his Fabian military strategy of forgoing frontal attacks in favor of wearing down an enemy through a war of attrition. Washington avoided decisive battles preferring small skirmishes which exacted a toll on the morale of the enemy. The term comes from Quintus Fabius Maximus Verrucosus who defeated Hannibal in the Second Punic War.

His last words were "Tis well."

John Adams

Adams was apparently fat which is reflected in the girth of a bust sculpted by Daniel Chester. Long before anyone was canceled for body shaming, Adams was dubbed "His Rotundity."

His last words were "Thomas Jefferson still survives" although Jefferson died several hours earlier.

Thomas Jefferson

"The Sage of Monticello" was derived from his beloved house on the back of the nickel.

His last words were "No, doctor, nothing more."

James Madison

His political enemies called him "Little Jemmy," "His Little Majesty" and "Withered Little Apple-John," but he's more known as "The Father of the Constitution" for being instrumental in the drafting and ratification of the seminal document.

His niece asked him, "What is the matter, Uncle James?" Just before he passed Madison answered, "Nothing more than a change of mind, my dear. I always talk better lying down."

James Monroe

Being the last president to wear the tricorne we typically associate with American colonists, Monroe was known as "The Last Cocked Hat."

His final words were in reference to James Madison, "I regret that I should leave this world without again beholding him."

John Quincy Adams

Known for his antislavery stance and as an attorney for the enslaved Africans in the Amistad Case, Adams nickname was "The Abolitionist."

His last words were "This is the last of Earth! I am content!"

A guy who spent his life trying to purge slavery from this country would certainly die a content man.

Andrew Jackson

The soldiers serving under Jackson called him "Old Hickory" for being tough as the tree of the same name.

His last words were "I hope I will meet you all in heaven. Be good children, all of you, and strive to be ready when the change comes."

Martin Van Buren

Van Buren's first language was Dutch. He was known for picking his words carefully leading to "The Careful Dutchman." He was also called "Martin Van Ruin" by his political enemies. Van Buren was short and considered a smooth politician leading to the nickname "The Little Magician."

His last words were "There is but one reliance..."

I guess we'll never know.

William Henry Harrison

Harrison avoided speaking out on controversial issues during the election campaign which led to the name "General Mum." Harrison was the first president to die in office and served the shortest term, 31 days. He passed away after contracting pneumonia. 

His last words were to Vice President Tyler "Sir, I wish you to understand the true principles of government. I wish them carried out. I ask nothing more."

President to the very end.

John Tyler

"His Accidency" was given to Tyler by his political opponents after Harrison's death in office.

His last words were "Doctor, I am going. Perhaps it is best."

James K. Polk

Polk was a gifted orator which led to the nickname "Napoleon of the Stump." Polk led the nation into the Mexican-American War which resulted in the acquisition of California.

His last words to his wife were "I love you, Sarah. For all eternity, I love you."

Zachary Taylor

Taylor was called "Old Rough and Ready" due to his involvement in the Second Seminole War. He died in office from acute gastroenteritis.

His last words were "I regret nothing, but I am sorry I am about to leave my friends."

Millard Fillmore

Fillmore was called "The American Louis Philippe" after the King of France for his exquisite tastes and love of reading. He was the second person to take office after the death of a president.

His last words were after taking a spoonful of soup "The nourishment is palatable."

Franklin Pierce

Due to his deeds in the Mexican-American War, Pierce being from New Hampshire was compared to Andrew Jackson when he was called "The Young Hickory of the Granite Hills." He was also called "Handsome Frank."

His last words were unknown.

James Buchanan

Buchanan called himself in his 1859 State of the Union address "Old Public Functionary" for being a career politician.

His last words were "Whatever the result may be, I shall carry to my grave the consciousness that at least I meant well for my country. Oh Lord God Almighty, as thou wilt."

Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln was known by a lot of nicknames including "Honest Abe" and "The Great Emancipator," but I never knew that one of his nicknames was "The Rail-Splitter" for building fences on the frontier in his youth. Lincoln was the first president to be assassinated.

His last words were answering his wife who asked what he thought a woman seated near them in the theatre would think if she saw them holding hands. Lincoln said, "She won't think anything about it."

Andrew Johnson

Johnson worked as a tailor before he entered politics giving him the nickname "The Tennessee Tailor."

His last words were "I need no doctor. I can overcome my own troubles."

Ulysses S. Grant

"Unconditional Surrender Grant" reflects what he demanded in 1862 at the Civil War Battle of Fort Donelson in Tennessee.

His last word was "water."

Rutherford B. Hayes

Hayes was called by his political enemies "Rutherfraud" because of the disputed outcome of the 1876 election in which both sides accused the other of voter intimidation and stuffing ballot boxes. Additionally, many newspapers reported election results before voting was completed.

His last words were "I know that I am going where Lucy (his wife) is."

History is on a continuous loop when it comes to elections.

James Garfield

Having worked on canals during his youth, Garfield's nickname was "Boatman Jim." He was the second president to be assassinated.

His last words to his Chief of Staff, David G. Swaim, were  "Oh Swaim, there is pain here. Swaim can't you stop this? Oh, oh, Swaim!"

Chester A. Arthur

Arthur had mutton sideburns and a mustache. This led to children calling him "Walrus." He liked fine clothes and lived in indulgent luxury which got him the nickname "The Dude President."

His last words were unknown.

Grover Cleveland

Cleveland was a big man earning the moniker "Uncle Jumbo."

His last words were "I have tried so hard to do right."

Benjamin Harrison

Harrison didn't like to engage people one on one which led to the nickname "The Human Iceberg."

His last words were "Are the doctors here? Doctor, my lungs."

William McKinley

The last president to have served in the Civil War, McKinley was fond of imposing tariffs to protect American interest which resulted in the name "The Napoleon of Protection." McKinley was the third president to be killed in office.

His last words were "We are all going. Oh dear."

Theodore Roosevelt

Roosevelt was known as the "The Trust Buster" for breaking up large companies like the railroads and monopolies controlling sugar and fertilizer.

His last words were "Please put out the light."

William Howard Taft

Another physically big president, Taft's boyhood nickname was "Big Lub."

His last words were unknown.

Woodrow Wilson

Known as "The Phrasemaker" Wilson penned his own speeches. He wrote, "If you want to make enemies, try to change something." His image appeared on the $100,000 bill which was never publically circulated.

His last words were "I am a broken piece of machinery. When the machine is broken...I am ready."

Warren G. Harding

"Wobbly Warren" described Harding's knack for never taking a stance on an issue. Harding suffered a heart attack while in office. 

As his wife, Florence, read favorable newspaper articles to him, Harding said just before he died, "That's good. Go on, read some more."

Calvin Coolidge

Coolidge took control after the death of Harding. He was known as "Cautious Cal" for believing that the best government was the least government.

His last words spoken to a carpenter working in his home were, "Good morning, Robert."

Herbert Hoover

As a geologist and surveyor in Australia, Hoover earned the nickname "The Chief" when he was 23. The name stuck with him for the rest of his life.

When Hoover was told that Admiral Strauss came to visit, his last words in the past tense were, "Levi Strauss was one of my best friends."

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Known by his initials, FDR was often referred to as "That Man in the White House" by his enemies who hated to say his name. Roosevelt was the only president to serve more than two terms. He died in office during his fourth term from a cerebral hemorrhage. 

His last words were "I have a terrific pain in the back of my head."

Harry S. Truman

"Give 'Em Hell Harry" was his campaign slogan. Being unable to afford college tuition, Truman was the last president without a college degree.

His last words were unknown.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Ike" employed the popular campaign slogan "I like Ike." He was the third of seven boys. His first born with wife, Mamie, died of scarlet fever at the age of three. His son, John, had a boy named David who Camp David is named after. David married Richard Nixon's daughter, Julie.

His last words were "I want to go. I'm ready to go. God, take me."

John F. Kennedy

Another president known by his initials, JFK was often called "Jack." He was the last president to be killed in office.

Jacqueline Kennedy stated that the wife of the governor of Texas said, "You certainly can't say that the people of Dallas haven't given you a nice welcome." Just before he was shot, Kennedy replied, "No, you certainly can't."

Lyndon B. Johnson

Johnson liked to boast granting him the nickname "Bullshit Johnson." He also insisted on saving electricity by turning off the lights in the White House which resulted in the moniker "Light-Bulb Johnson." LBJ was also known by his initials and probably channeled Teddy Roosevelt with his obsession with extinguishing lights.

His last words to a Secret Service agent on the phone were, "Send in Mike immediately." 

Richard Nixon

"Tricky Dick" was given the name in a 1950 ad by his opponent for the senate in California. Often the label is erroneously attributed to the Watergate Scandal that led to his to resignation. He actually earned the despised nickname for the earlier smear campaign he ran against his rival.

His last word was "help."

Gerald Ford

Ford was the House Minority Leader when he assumed the role of Vice President following the resignation of Spiro T. Agnew who plead no contest to tax evasion. When Nixon resigned, Ford took over. He was known as "Mr. Nice Guy" for his non-partisan stances on issues. He was the only president no one ever actually voted for.

Ford's last words are unknown, but I would guess they would be something like, "I hope there isn't a lot of stairs."

Jimmy Carter

During the 1976 presidential campaign, Carter enjoyed fostering the image as "The Peanut Farmer." He and his wife, Rosalynn, along with their three boys lived in public housing for a year, making Carter the only US president to once reside in subsidized housing. For many years after leaving the White House, Carter swung a hammer for Habitat for Humanity.

His last words will be "I've really had it with kudzu."

Ronald Reagan

Costarring in the film Knute Rockne, All American, as George Gipp, a popular college football player for Notre Dame, Reagan adopted "The Gipper" as a nickname. Gipp died of a throat infection saying on his deathbed to Coach Rockne, "...win just one for the Gipper."

Reagan's last words were unknown.

George H. W. Bush

Bush was called "Poppy" from childhood. He barfed on the Japanese Prime Minister in 1992. He also was a lousy bowler.

His last words to his namesake son, the 43rd president, spoken on the phone were, "I love you, too."

William Jefferson Clinton

Like Nixon, Clinton has a nickname that he is not fond of, "Slick Willy."

His last words will be "I never even liked spinach dip."

George W. Bush

Bush is known by his middle initial, "Dubya." In Yale he played rugby and was a cheerleader. He is the only US president with an MBA which he earned from Harvard.

His last words will be "Bring 'em on."

Barack Obama

Obama was a laid back president who was cautious but relaxed. He was affectionately called "No Drama Obama."

His last words will be "I wish I smoked more."

Donald J. Trump

Like Buchanan, Trump chose his own nickname, "The Donald."

His last words will be "I'm a little low energy right now."

On the Fourth of July I usually find myself swatting mosquitos while waiting for fireworks even though firework displays are like a movie we've already seen. This year there won't be any public Independence Day celebrations in most towns due to the pandemic. That's okay with me. I would like to celebrate, though, when our elected officials restore our rights they suspended for our collective safety. The last time I was told I had to socially distance myself I was eight years old and was sent to my room for refusing to eat lima beans.

God Bless America!

Sources
List of nicknames of Presidents of the United States, Wikipedia
Famous Last Words: U.S. Presidents by Chris Raymond
What Were The Dead Presidents' Last Words?

Editor's Note: Originally posted on July 4, 2017.